Be Be Your Love: I'm a Broken Heart
by syd-monpeu
Summary: Part 5 of my Be Be Your Love stories. I hate summaries. Basically, what should be really happy events aren't going as planned and it's making people sad and well ... brokenhearted. Ch9- Addek! MerDer.
1. Heartstopper

When last we met: Okay, I'm not going over everything that happened, if you haven't read Sexual Healing, Science vs Romance, Love on Drugs or Knocking on Forbidden Doors go back and do that. I mean you don't have too. You just should. You are looking at about 26 chapters. So, it's up to you. I'm not explaining 26 chapters worth of Drama. Here's what I will tell you ­­­–– At the end of Knocking on Forbidden Doors:

- Mark and Sydney were expecting twins (and got married)

- Derek and Addison managed to carry on their affair for almost a year without anyone finding out (except Mark and Sydney. Izzie came close but no cigar).

- Addison asked Derek to leave Meredith in order to be with her. Derek never said outright if he would, but he didn't seem to be leaving Addison anyway.

- Meredith told Derek they were having their own bundle of joy.

- But then it turns out that Addison didn't really tell Derek all of the details –– she had her own bun in the oven (I know, I know, I know. But why have 1 when you can have 4). Tricky thing about that is she didn't know who the father of the bun was. But she did know who the father of Meredith's bundle of joy was, so she dumped Derek (he wasn't pleased with this, he thought that they could figure something out… and he still didn't know about the bun).

- So, Addison told Geoffrey (that's her BF if you are choosing not to read the other 26 chapters) that THEY were having a baby, and then agreed to marry him.

It's not as corny as it seems when I list it off like that. Or maybe it is. Who knows.

Are you still with me?

You can read the chapter now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sydney Heron-Sloan wandered aimlessly down the hall towards the OR's. She was calmly reviewing her current situation; which was: she was not in fact wandering but waddling, and rearview mirrors would be helpful considering a sudden movement to check behind her would disrupt her precarious center of balance and land her on the ground –– helpless, and at the mercy of colleagues who were either intimidated by her now massive girth, or who hated her.

It was at that moment that Sydney began to suspect that something else was amiss. Nothing big. She was just beginning to think that maybe she was wearing 2 different shoes.

She made her way slowly to the side of the corridor and leaned against the wall, gripping the thick wooden railing in order to keep her balance. She stuck out her right foot –– white and navy Nike with white springy laces so she could just slip them on. She shifted slowly and stuck out her left foot –– red croc.

"Alright," she straightened up and started gently massaging her tremendous tummy, "Which one of you picked out the croc? It's January kids. Next time pick something that will keep Mommy's feet dry. And please," she continued, "Try to pick shoes that match. Shoes should be identical, just like you." She patted her abdomen affectionately, "It would be easier for you two to learn how to compromise now. I know right now you're thinking that 9 months together in a warm cozy uterus is enough, but you are stuck with each other for the next 90 years, and you won't always have my bladder to take out your aggressions on."

"Sydney?" Addison interrupted Sydney's narrative with an amused smile, "Are you talking to your stomach?"

"These babies are a very captive audience."

"They have no choice," Addison smiled and crossed her arms, "I believe I told you to stay home and off your feet."

"I got bored," Sydney shrugged, "All there is to do at home is watch the food network which just makes me hungry; but, I'm too huge to get myself off the couch to make anything. And whenever Mark finally gets home someone immediately pages him back. So, I'm spending most of my time hungry and lonely. And then the pizza boy spurned my advances."

Addison raised an eyebrow, "I think I also told you to refrain from sexual activity."

"You take all the fun out of pregnancy, you know that?"

"I try my hardest, but despite my efforts women insist on having babies and as 'the best', I'm morally obligated not to retire to Aruba."

"I never realized how hard your life is."

"I try to hide it as best I can."

"I'd feel worse if you weren't gorgeous with annoyingly long legs, a tiny waist, fantastic rack and a fiancée that makes me go weak in my swollen knees."

"I can see how that would make it hard," Addison smiled as she continued to walk slowly at Sydney's side listening to her heels click loudly on the hard floors.

"Mark still thinks we are having boys."

Addison smiled, "I told you it's two of the same, and the test say identical. That's all you wanted to know."

"We are having girls aren't we?"

Addison didn't say anything.

"I've known all along they were girls. They feel like girls. But I didn't think it would hurt to let Mark believe they could be boys."

Addison glanced at her out of the corner of her eye, "How long have you been in labour for Syd?"

"Since about 5am," she admitted easily.

Addison smiled gently; "When your contractions get to about 5 minutes I want you to go check yourself in and page me ok?"

"What tipped you off?" Sydney asked curiously.

Addison grinned, "You weren't talking as much."

XXXX

Derek stretched out his shoulder and stared at the blank walls of what used to be George's room.

Meredith shuffled in, barely awake, "Your doing this now?" She yawned.

"I don't have much time off in the next few weeks," he explained, "Are you sure that this is the colour that you want?"

She nodded and carefully sat in the middle of the room, the tarp that was protecting the floor shifting stiffly underneath her.

"It's lime green."

Meredith smiled sleepily, "It won't dry like that," she paused, "I hope."

"You are _sure_ this is the colour you want? Not yellow or something neutral?"

"I want this one," she affirmed.

"Okay," Derek sighed and looked at the walls with a concerned look on his face.

"Here," Meredith called his attention back to her, "Look at this," she reached forward carefully, her arm crossing protectively over her tummy as she did. She flipped open a magazine and rapidly turned the pages, "See bright green with pink, and bright green with blue," she looked at him earnestly, "So when the McBaby is born and we know if it's a boy or a girl, we'll have pink stuff or blue stuff all ready to go with the green. I don't want McBaby coming home to a gender non-specific room."

"Don't call our baby McBaby," Derek chuckled, reaching out to help her up, "And why don't we just find out if it's a boy or a girl and then we can skip the green and go right to pink or blue."

"We are not finding out the sex of Gumby to make decorating easier," she leaned forward to kiss him good morning, "That's ridiculous."

XXXX

"So I hear," Callie leaned casually against the counter, "That Sloan's spawn are trying to leave the Mothership."

"Yes, they are," Addison nodded with a smile, "6cm's, drugged up and comfortable, and playing poker with Mark, the anesthesiologist and Cristina."

"Yang?"

"Apparently she's a shark," Addison shook her head, "I also saw Mark going with a game of _Monopoly_ and a _Bop It_."

"_Bop It_?" Callie grinned, "You and me. 3 o'clock _Bop It_ match. To the death."

"You make that sound like there will be a competition and not just me kicking your ass."

Callie grinned broadly, but then slowly her face softened, "How are you doing?"

"Me?" Addison's brow furrowed, "I'm fine."

"I just thought that with… Mark and the babies actually arriving…"

"Callie," Addison gave her a funny look, "I've been Syd's OB pretty much from the beginning. If the fact that she's having Mark's babies bothered me I would have stepped aside a long time ago."

"I just…" Callie paused then rushed on, "Geoffrey told me about the… thing…"

Addison turned to look at Callie, her face hard and expressionless. "When?"

Callie looked away, "Right after it happened. He wanted me to make sure you were okay coming back to work."

"I was fine," Addison said harshly, "Millions of women have miscarriages."

"That's true," Callie agreed, "But not all of them miscarry so soon after learning that her ex-husband and ex-lover are having babies too. And most women don't react to miscarriages by having their tubes tied. He was just worried."

"I was okay," Addison said softly, "I'm okay."

"I know but…"

"I am Callie," Addison's voice pleaded for Callie to stop pushing it, "I was sad. And, yes, it still feels unfair sometimes, but I'm happy for them. All of them," she continued softly, "I do wish that it could have been me. But I really am okay. I'm older then Sydney and Meredith so it was a high-risk pregnancy. And when… when I… I was heartbroken, and I took steps so it wouldn't happen again. But I'm okay and you really don't have to worry about me."

"Okay," Callie nodded, "Still on for _Bop It_?"

"If your still willing to be utterly humiliated."

XXXX

"How are you doing?" Addison settled herself on a stool and snapped on some gloves.

"Oh great. Cristina took all my money playing poker, Mark bankrupted me during _Monopoly_ and I stubbed my toe trying to _Bop It_."

"I'm going to assume that that last one was a joke."

"Clearly. I can't feel anything below my boobs. From now on I'm getting hooked up to this thing every time I feel even a twinge of PMS cramps."

"If only," Addison smiled, "Where's Mark?"

"I encouraged him to take Meredith to find Derek for supper. If I had to look at her skinny self for one more minute I couldn't be held responsible for my actions. I don't care if I'm numb, I would've heaved myself from this bed and smothered her. And if she moved out of the way I would've dragged myself across the floor until I caught her," Sydney reached for her ice chips, "It's not fair that she looks that good. She's due in 10 weeks and she is like the size I was at 4 months. And I know that I am having twins and she's just having one, but seriously. She has this cute little baby bump and I look like the Titanic. She's a twig, I was really looking forward to her growing to epic proportions and she's barely wearing the medium scrubs. The only part of her that's growing is her boobs."

"How unfair," Addison replied dryly.

"I know," Sydney exclaimed, "And she's talking about play dates. She wants my giant babies to play with her twiggy baby. I liked it so much better when you were with Derek. I didn't have to deal with Meredith nearly as much. We maybe had dinner together twice before, now it's like every other weekend. And Meredith just sits there, silently. I have to do all the talking."

"Imagine."

"Okay. Shut up. You'll fight me for the attention. Please. I'm begging you. Do whatever it is that you do to seduce men and get him back. Do it for me. Do it for the self-esteem for my 2 ton babies."

Addison stood, "Only 2 centimeters to go," she smiled at Sydney, "Not long now."

XXXX

"Alex?" Addison approached Alex in the locker room and sat down on the bench, "I need help."

"Did you sleep with Derek again?"

She glared at him, "No."

"Sorry, but usually when you ask me for help it's somehow related to you having sex with him."

"Stop talking."

"Okay."

"Has Meredith been having problems with her pregnancy?"

"Not that I know of. Why?"

"I was talking to Sydney and she thinks that Meredith should be enormous."

"Nice, Addison."

"She's right though. Meredith is remarkably small for this stage of her pregnancy. She's a tiny girl, she should be showing more."

"You're serious?"

Addison nodded.

"I'll talk to Meredith."

Addison smiled, "Thank you."

XXXX

"Jade?" Meredith tapped at the keyboard keys as she scrolled through lists of names, "Oh I like it better with a 'y'. Jayde."

Derek smiled.

"I'm adding it to the list. And Jude if it's a boy."

"Like the Beatles song?"

"No. Like Jude Law," Meredith laughed, "Hey. What about Ace for a boy?"

"Ace?"

"Ya. I like it. He could grow up to be a Rock Star. Or Ryker."

"Ryker," Derek repeated.

"I need more boys names. My list for boys is really short. What do you have for boys?"

"What do _you_ have for boys?"

"Ummm…" Meredith consulted her list, "Well, Ryker, Ace and Jude. And I have Dane, Max, Pollack, Miller and Dashell. Oh, Dashell. I think that's my favorite."

"Dashell."

"And Beckett and Radley," Meredith added, "But I like those for girl's too."

Derek sighed and closed his eyes, "What do you have for girls? Other then Jade or Jayde."

"Okay. Mason. Paxton. Cady. Carys. Sailor…"

"Sailor? We are having a baby not a Golden Retriever."

"I like it," Meredith said defensively, "You probably won't like Scout either."

"No."

"Okay," Meredith sighed, " Constance, Grier, Spencer, Persephone…"

"What?"

"Persephone."

"How in the world do you spell that?"

"P.E.R.S.E.P.H.O.N.E."

"Per-se-phone?"

"No. It's like Stephanie," Meredith explained, "Per-sef-anie"

"No."

"Lola?"

"Meredith," Derek gave her an indulgent smile, "Give me your top five and well argue about them from there."

Meredith shot him a look as she chewed on her lip, "Okay… Piper, Riley, Spencer, Beckett and Paisley."

"Paisley?" Derek ran his hands over his face, "Are you kidding?"

"Piper Paisley for a girl and Dashell Ace for a boy."

"Meredith. Our child has to live with these names for the rest of his or her life."

"I like those names. They have character."

"Our baby will be murdered by Mark and Sydney's twins with those names."

"What are they naming the twins?"

"I don't know," Derek finally went back to eating his cafeteria spaghetti, "But no matter what they pick their kids will beat up someone named Dashell."

"And _'Derek'_ is so manly," Meredith sighed, "Well, what names do you like?"

Derek shrugged, "Haven't really thought about it."

Meredith's eyes narrowed, "You already named Gumby didn't you. Tell me."

Derek smiled guiltily, reached across the table, and took Meredith's hands, "I thought maybe Julian for a boy, after my dad."

"You don't think Julian would be beaten up by the Sloan twins?" but her face had softened. "I like Julian. Julian Dashell."

"And I assumed that you would want to name a girl after your mom."

Meredith shrugged, "Maybe a middle name. Maybe."

"Okay," Derek shifted uncomfortably, "Then maybe Julianne? Julie? Or Julia? Julia Grey-Shepherd," his eyes pleaded.

Meredith sat silently for a long moment. "Julie-Grey. One name. Julie-Grey Ellis Shepherd."

"Julie or Julian," Derek leaned back and smiled.

"Julian Dashell or Julie-Grey."

"I can live with those."

XXXX

Addison closed the door firmly behind her and crossed the room to her locker. It was around the corner from Derek's and she was now cursing the day she begged Richard to let her switch.

It was the day after Mark agreed to come to Seattle Grace. Mark was lobbying with a naïve young doctor to give up her locker –– right next to Addison's. Addison was desperate not to be sandwiched between Derek and Mark and tried unsuccessfully to trade with Callie who at that point didn't know Mark and didn't want to know Mark. Derek slyly tried to switch with Bailey, who agreed ––until she found out that Addison has successfully traded with Sydney Heron, who had just that morning graced the staff with cupcakes for her own birthday.

Richard put his foot down, ordered all 20 doctors that had lockers in that room to clean them out; they were reorganizing. They stood around the room holding boxes of belongings and waiting for Richard to realize what everyone in the room already knew ­­–– Addison Shepherd, Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloane were going to end up in a row, with a very annoyed Callie Torres beside them. Now all the females had the right hand bay of lockers and the males had the left. They were arranged alphabetically by first name and everyone was pleased with the arrangement.

But it was going to make it very difficult for Addison to break into Derek's locker.

She waited until the room was empty then crossed quickly to the other side of the room and thanked the heavens that Derek was a man of habit and had been using the same lock since med school.

Six seconds later she was opening the door. Twenty-three seconds after that she found what she was looking for. Three seconds and her heart stopped beating. And less then a minute of opening Derek's locker –– the door to the locker room swung open.

"What are you doing?" He demanded in a harsh whisper.

"I was just…" She though fast but couldn't come up with a convincing lie for why she was rifling though his locker when she hadn't so much as looked him in the eye since she had last spoken to him in the trailer.

Derek crossed the room in 3 angry steps and ripped the sonogram out of Addison's hand. "What are you doing with this?"

"Nothing," Addison stuttered, "I was…"

"Get out," he ordered harshly. The locker door slammed with such force that both their lab coats billowed.

"I'm trying to help you." Addison's body visibly tensed as she fought her emotions.

"Help? You broke into my locker."

"I needed to see…"

"Addison," his voice caught sharply on her name as he looked at her eyes for the first time and for a moment it seemed like he would let her continue and say whatever is was that she needed to say, "What ever it is," his voice was gruff and doleful as he rubbed his palms resignedly over his face, "I can't –– I don't _want_ to hear it."

"Fine," Addison's eye's flashed with betrayal, "I'll go to Meredith."

Derek grabbed her arm as she turned away, "Stay _away_ from her."

Addison wrenched her arm free from his grasp but didn't move away, "I would love to be able to just ignore this Derek," her voice was eerily even, "But there might be something wrong with your baby and _I'm_ not cruel enough pretend there isn't."

Derek stared at her, his face blank.

"That ultrasound, it says December 18th. If she's due in March then that baby is dangerously underdeveloped."

"What are you _saying_?" Derek hissed harshly.

"Are you sure of the date the baby was conceived?"

"Un_believable_," his face flushed with anger, "I know that things with us didn't work out like you wanted, but you have no _business accusing Meredith of_…"

"I'm not _accusing_ her of anything Derek. This has _nothing to do_," she lowered her voice to barely a whisper ––the room felt loud and suffocating even though neither of them had raised their voice above a murmur, "This has nothing to do with _us_ or what I did or didn't want from that relationship," her eyes hardened "I am a doctor, and a _damn_ good one, and I am _telling you_ that either Meredith was _clairvoyant_ when she told you she was pregnant, or there is something _very wrong_ with that baby."

XXXX

Meredith stared uneasily at Derek sitting beside her. He looked like he wanted to punch the wall.

She spread her hands wide over the span of her stomach, measuring it. She didn't believe Alex. She'd gained a lot of weight, and she was positive about how far along she was. Maybe her baby was just petit.

She'd dismissed the idea until she saw Derek. He was tense, angry and silent. She was beginning to suspect that Addison has talked to him about that same thing that Alex had spoken to her about.

Derek looked over at her, his eyes resting on her hands on her stomach before he met her eyes. The rims of his eyes were red but the whites of his eyes were stark white. She reached over and rested her palm against his cheek, watching him closely as he pressed his cheek against her hand until it was trapped between his shoulder and his cheek.

The door swung open and Mark appeared, "Girls," he grinned, his chest puffed out proudly, "2 little _girls_!"

Meredith stood when Derek did and followed him into the room. She watched Derek pointedly ignore Addison, then hug his best friend and kiss Sydney on the cheek before peering at the baby in her arms. She barely registered Mark saying something about Derek being the babies godfather and watched blankly as Derek reached eagerly to hold the baby. Meredith's eyes panned the room slowly, her eyes finally settling on Addison standing to the side monitoring the other twin.

"What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing," Addison smiled softly, "Just needs a little extra oxygen to pink'n her up."

Meredith watched the infant squinting against the bright lights despite her tightly closed eyes; her limbs jerked and her fist clenched as she cried loudly, "She looks like a perfect little person."

"That's how we want them," Addison's voice faltered a bit, "Beatrix and Roxana. Can you believe that?"

Meredith waited until Addison looked up at her, "Do you really think there is something wrong with my baby?"

Addison held her gaze, "I would love to be proven wrong."

"What we have to do?"

"I'd like to admit you. Tonight."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

What do you think? Happy eh.

And I don't want to be a skank about this, but an author/story alert is not a review. All it does is send me an email that says that someone liked my story enough to want to read more… but not enough to take 30 seconds to tell me why. Crap like this doesn't just happen. I have to work to make it suck this much.

That said. You Rock.

Have some scrambled eggs, toast and hashbrowns.


	2. Near to You

This might be the weirdest chapter I have ever written.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Winter boots, hats, scarves and mittens, blocked the front door; had she been thinking she would have known that Daisy was having a sleepover.

The master bedroom was empty. She glanced at the rumbled sheets. She wanted nothing more then to cocoon herself in bed and get lost in the soft warmth and simply sleep.

She stripped naked.

She pulled on one of Geoffrey's t-shirts and a pair of boxer shorts; clenching the soft cotton in her fists, she brought it to her face and inhaling the clean scent of laundry detergent.

Tears burned the corners of her eyes, but she was too exhausted to cry.

She felt dullness; inside and out.

The tile of the kitchen floor was cold against her bare feet. She didn't realize that she was crying until she saw Geoffrey slowly putting down his crossword and pencil and cautiously moving towards her.

She cried.

Her arms wrapped around herself protectively. Geoffrey's arms encircled her again, tightly, her forehead pressed against his chest.

"What happened?"

Addison inhaled sharply. She was sitting at the kitchen table, her chair turned to face Geoff's. He was leaning close to her, trying to see her face, pushing her hair away from her eyes, his palm rubbing her thigh trying to calm her down.

"Did something happen with the twins?"

She shook her head, her fingers twisted and knotted together tightly.

"Addison," Geoffrey cupped her cheeks with his palms, "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I…" she was shaking slightly, "I had to admit Meredith. She's having severe complications," she whispered, "Her baby… I …"

Geoffrey reached over and wrapped his hands around hers, "Her baby is Derek's baby."

"Yeah," she looked up in surprise,

He nodded and stared at their hands.

"It's Derek's baby," she repeated softly.

They sat silently.

"I just," she brushed a few tears away from her eyes, "what if I can't do anything?"

"You can."

"What if it's not enough?"

"Addison…"

"He's always wanted children. And now… What if I can't do anything? What if…" she fell silent for a long time, "I can't do this."

"You can."

"It's Derek's baby. Derek's baby. He's… I can't take away his chance to be a father. I still…"

"You love him."

Addison looked up in surprise.

"Addison. It's okay. He's your friend. You want him to be happy. And you have history with him. You shared a life with him."

She nodded, "We were happy. Most of the time. Until we weren't," she pulled away slightly, "It just got to hard to be together. We never should have gotten married. We were too... what we had was amazing, and we were so in love, but we didn't know how to be together when we weren't happy. We didn't know how to fix our problems. We just knew how to be in love and how to hurt each other. And then it was to late," she winced, "But we really loved each other." Using the palms of both hands she wiped the tears from her cheeks, "I know that things are better this way. We had to let each other move on and be happy. But it's just… hard, I want him to be happy and I don't think I can do it."

"So use that. Use that too help that baby."

She smiled gratefully, "I love you," she leaned forward and brushed her thumbs over his stubbly cheeks, "You get that right? That I love you? And that I don't know what I would do without you, because you are so good for me. Without you…"

"You'll never be without me. Ever."

"Good. Because I belong with you. I need you."

XXXX

The lights were off, the door was closed and the curtain was drawn around the bed.

She lay curled on her side staring absently at the alternating pink, white and blue strips of the curtain. The room was silent except for the regular beeping of the fetal monitor and the quiet crunch of paper as it steadily printed out the results. The chair he sat in was soft and overstuffed; he rested on the very edge –– his arms were outstretched, hands covering her stomach and his forehead resting on the bed. Her hand rested in his hair. Occasionally their eyes met, but they were too scared to do anything except be silent.

XXXX

"You have 2 choices," Mark sat down beside Derek and swung the wheeling bassinet around to rest in front of them.

"Sydney lets you wander around the hospital with them? Unattended?" Derek asked dull-ly.

"I do not take orders from my wife, I can do what ever I want with my daughters," Mark shot back, "Besides. She's asleep."

Derek rubbed his hands over his red eyes.

"So, do you want to hold the sleeping one, or the quiet one?"

"Wouldn't the sleeping one be quiet?"

"Not if she wakes up. Then she's the crying one."

"I'll take the quiet one then."

They sat there in silence rocking the babies.

"Which one is this," Derek asked quietly.

"The quiet one."

Derek smiled slowly, "I mean what's her name."

"I'm not sure," Mark didn't take his eyes off the baby in his arms, "There's a 50 percent chance you are holding Roxie."

"You don't know which one is which?"

"They are identical. And 11 hours old," he lowered his voice, "When we get them home Syd is going to paint their toenails. She doesn't know who is who either." He glanced at Derek's baby, "I'm pretty sure that's Roxie."

Derek gently untangled the baby's tightly swaddled blanket and examined the ID bracelet on her ankle, "Beatrix Robyn."

"Trixie was my second guess."

"Your daughters are going to grow up to be strippers."

"My daughters are going to be librarians or judges or marine biologists."

They lapsed into silence again.

"How's Meredith?" Mark asked gently.

Derek shook his head and blinked hard "We don't really know anything yet. Addison's probably in with her now."

Mark nodded, "You should be with her."

Derek didn't respond.

"Derek, sometimes you are even more passive aggressive then Addison is. If she is going to be Meredith's doctor you can't avoid her just because you had a fight."

"We aren't fighting."

"Derek," Mark shook his head, "You need to be with Meredith right now. Screw Addison. She's just the doctor. This is about Meredith and your baby. Be the bigger person and pretend that Addison doesn't exist. You've done a pretty good job of it in the past. I'm sure you can do it again."

"She left me."

"So you and Meredith could have a life together with your baby," Mark gave him a look, "You've left her before to be with Meredith, forgive her if she thinks that's what you wanted."

"I told her it wasn't. I said that we could figure it out."

"You told her that before too," Mark placed his still sleeping infant back in the bassinet and reached for the other, "Derek, buddy, you need to take a few minutes and take a look at where your priorities need to be."

XXXX

"I have some of your labs back," Addison held up a stack of papers as she walked into Meredith's room.

"What's wrong with my baby?" Meredith wiped her cheeks with the tips of her fingers, she had clearly been crying.

"I don't know."

Meredith sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around her tummy.

"Where's…" Addison inwardly cringed, "Where's Derek?"

"He went to get coffee and he never came back," her eyes once again brimming with tears.

"Do you want me to wait until he gets back or…"

Meredith nodded, a sob catching in her throat.

Addison nodded, "Do you have other questions???"

Meredith's face contorted and she blinked quickly to hold her tears in check, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Addison's eyebrow shot up.

"I don't want to call my baby 'it' anymore."

"It's a girl," Addison told her softly.

"Julie," Meredith whispered.

"That's pretty."

Meredith nodded. She tugged at her hospital gown, pulling it up over her tummy and tracing her fingers over the tight skin.

"Does she move around a lot?" Addison asked, reaching for the chart.

Meredith nodded, "She kicks," she traced a slow circle, "That's a foot," she inhaled deeply, her slight frame still trembling, "I've been laying here all morning trying to figure out exactly what she's up to in there. Her feet are over here, I can feel them tapping," she tapped her fingers gently against her skin, "I should have known there was something wrong, she should be kicking harder by now."

"Meredith," Addison placed a hand on top of hers – it was the first time they had ever touched, "How could you know?"

"I'm her mother, I should have known that there was something wrong," Meredith sighed – her eyes still shined with tears, "I think her hands are over here," she smiled, moving her fingers over a few inches, "Every once in awhile I just … feel something there. Like a little flutter I guess. I've spent all morning just… feeling her; trying to be more aware of her."

"That's good," Addison assured her softly, "Mom's always know more than even the best machines. You can let us know if you feel anything different."

Meredith nodded, "She's going to be good. We have a deal."

"I'm back," Derek stepped hesitantly through the door. He avoided Addison's eye and stepped over to Meredith's side and rested a hand on her knee.

Meredith looked to Addison with wide wondering eyes.

"Okay," Addison took a death breath, "It looks like a problem with your placenta. Your ultrasounds are telling us that it's not really where it should be and that along with these tests we are running have told us that the baby isn't getting enough nutrients. So we are monitoring that."

"Oh God," Meredith covered her face with her hands.

Addison glanced at the monitors, "Okay Meredith," she took a step closer, "I need you to take a few deep breaths. Ok? Another problem is that your blood pressure has been really high and it's not good for the baby," Addison spoke calmly "I know you're worried, but the best thing you can do is relax."

Meredith nodded vigorously, inhaling deeply and shakily.

"Okay," Addison stepped back again, "We are also watching the baby's heart," she eyed Meredith carefully, "The heart rate is lower than we would like it to be and I'm worried that if it gets any lower than the baby is going to go into distress and we are going to have to deliver early. So it's really important that the baby feels calm."

"There is something wrong with the baby's heart?" Meredith asked breathlessly as she reached for Derek's hand.

"We don't know that for sure. We are still running more tests."

Tears started running down Meredith's face.

"Meredith," Derek soothed.

"I'm… okay," she choked out, her breathing becoming shallower "I'm… I'm trying… I…" She gasped and sobbed, clutching her stomach tightly. The monitors started to beep loudly and Meredith struggled to breath deeply as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Meredith," Addison touched Meredith's shoulder, "Meredith your blood pressure is going up, you have to calm down." Addison reached for the oxygen mask, praying it wasn't to late to prevent what looked to her to be a panic attack.

"Ohhh," Meredith groaned loudly, clutching her side.

"Damnit," Addison turned quickly to check the monitors.

"Meredith, was that a contraction?" Derek murmured.

Meredith shook, her eyes wide with fear.

"Meredith," Addison repeated, "If you don't calm down now the baby is going to go into distress."

"Was that a contraction?" Derek asked Addison quietly, his eyes big with worry.

Addison nodded.

"Meredith," Derek gripped her hand hard, "Take a deep breath ok. Just breathe."

"Damnit," Addison turned to Derek, "The baby's heart rate plummeted and Meredith's blood pressure is spiking. If she has anymore…"

"Then what?" Derek demanded.

Addison gave him a look but didn't reply.

"Then _what_?"

Meredith's sobs intensified; she gripped Derek's hand harder, vainly trying to prevent the sobs from escaping while fighting the fear that was intensifying by the moment.

"Meredith, calm down," Addison ordered.

"Mer, it's ok," Derek ran his hand over her hair, "It's ok."

"_Ohhhhh_," Meredith cried out.

"Shit," Addison glanced at her watch then hit a button on the wall.

"What are you doing," Derek demanded, "What's going on?"

"We need to deliver the baby now," Addison grabbed various things around the room as people started rushing in, "Meredith," Addison spoke loudly, "Your having contractions. If we wait or try to stop them then it's going to put too much stress on the baby, okay? You're going to have the baby now."

"What? No! It's too soon," Derek protested.

"We don't have a choice Derek," Addison said dismissively, she turned to the anesthesiologist that rushed in from the room next door, "General anesthesia," she instructed.

"General!" Derek exclaimed, "Is that necessary?"

"Derek," Addison touched his arm to move him out the way but he wouldn't move.

"No."

"She needs this Derek. If she doesn't calm down then this is only going to get worse."

"The baby…"

"I am going to have that baby out before…"

"No," Derek shook his head, "No."

"Derek!" Addison argued.

"I think that maybe we should consult with someone else…"

"Are you kidding me?"

"I don't think that it was a good idea that you be Meredith's doctor. Obviously you are to close…"

"Derek! Right now you are either helping me or in my way."

"I want someone else…"

"Oh, don't do that. Don't you _dare_ try to say that I am not doing _everything_ to save your daughter. If anyone is going to kill themselves saving her you better _damn_ _well_ believe that it is going to be _me_."

"Daughter?"

"It's a girl. _Congratulations_."

XXXX

Complete silence.

Around her was the usual hustle and bustle, but in her head it was completely calm and serene. She made each cut, each movement with textbook precision. She was utterly and completely focused.

"Derek," She said softly, calling him to her side, "In about 45 seconds I'm going to deliver your daughter," she told him calmly, "When I hand her to you take her straight to the team, tell her you love her, and step back and let them work. Okay?" She glanced up quickly to see him nod. "Okay." She slid her hand carefully under the baby's neck and firmly tugged her out. She cradled the baby against her chest for a moment, her eyes traced over the baby's dark hair and delicate features, she smiled and turned to Derek.

Their eyes met for a long moment as they carefully maneuvered the baby from her arms to his. He stood there motionless for a moment, staring at his daughter, and then looked back at Addison – his eye's full of tears.

"I'm a father."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'm not really one to beg for reviews, but if you don't give me TONS of feedback I am never writing again.

Awwwwwww McBaby.


	3. What Do You Say, In a Moment Like This

This is one of those chapters that had me rolling around on the floor screaming in frustration. You will notice that it's slightly shorter then usual (it's actually a reasonable length, I just haven't been writing reasonably lately I guess) and that is because I literally couldn't bare to write anymore. I am clearly way to involved in this weird little universe that I have stolen and skew to suit my whims.

Like, dude, seriously. I need a hug.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Meredith's awake," Alex crossed the NICU wearily and leaned against the counter.

Addison nodded but didn't look up.

"Did you kick the Anderson baby out of the spot by the window?" Alex looked around at the spot cleared out for Julie-Grey Shepherd. The nicest area with the newest machines and the most comfortable chairs, "You're blatantly playing favorites."

Addison didn't reply, but turned her head and rested her chin on the hand that Alex rested on her shoulder. "Meredith is awake?"

Alex nodded, "She's starting too. Either the drugs are wearing off slowly or she's just not ready to respond much yet."

"Does she…"

"She knows," Alex said slowly, "Derek tried to tell her what's going on, told her what she looks like, promised to bring her over to see her; but Meredith turned away from him and won't listening."

"Poor girl," Addison said softly, turning her gaze again to the baby. She smiled, "She looks like Derek, doesn't she."

Alex nodded, "She's got Meredith's frame though," he tapped a chart against her shoulder, "Derek wants you to go over things with Meredith, and Mark wants you to discharge his wife and daughters. Which conflict of interest do you want to deal with first?"

XXXX

"Meredith?"

Meredith unconsciously tensed; willing whomever it was to just go away. She didn't reply, she didn't move, she didn't acknowledge that Derek had entered the room. Meredith sensed him standing at the end of the bed waiting patiently, but choose to ignore him –– it worked with everyone else.

"Do you want to see Julie now?" Derek asked finally, "I can take you right now, she's been waiting to meet you."

Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly shut, tears escaping from the corners.

"Meredith," Derek soothed, "Let me take you to see her. She's beautiful. You'll feel so much better once you can touch her."

Meredith's jaw trembled and she clenched it in an effort to control herself.

"Trust me Mer," Derek rested a hand on her forearm, "It helps. I know how you are feeling and…"

"You don't know," Meredith rasped softly, surprising herself by speaking, "You don't know how I feel." She turned away as much as she could, ignoring the searing pain across her abdomen. Her sudden tears only intensified the dull ache she felt in her chest and the pit of her stomach, "She could die."

The room sank into a heavy silence only broken by Meredith's soft sobs. She heard nothing from Derek, and felt an inexplicable rage that he could possibly be feeling something less then the overwhelming sadness that she felt.

"Oh, Honey."

Meredith barely had time to register the door opening before she felt strong arms wrapping around her. Her body convulsed with sobs as Catherine ––Derek's mother –– held her, gently rocking her back and forth, her warm hands combing through her hair.

"There there," Catherine soothed as Meredith clung to her desperately, "Let it out. Just let it all out."

XXXX

Addison awoke to a light pressure on the back of her head. Her eye's fluttered open in confusion and she glanced up in surprise at Derek.

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"Now you're nice to me," she said quietly, marveling that the baby was still gripping lightly at her finger.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, dropping his hand from the back of her skull and sitting in the seat next to her, tentatively touching his daughters cheek, "She looks like me."

"She's beautiful," There was a long silence.

Derek smiled, "Julie."

Addison nodded, smiling softly, "It's perfect. Sweet."

Derek nodded. "I was up here all morning but you weren't…"

"I was working Derek," she replied softly. She gently traced the line of Julie's foot, "I went down to see you and Meredith but you were up here."

"Meredith is so scared," Derek confided, "I can barely leave her to come up and see Julie. Meredith… she just needs me right now."

Addison held back a reply.

"At least in here Julie has you looking out for her."

Addison smiled, "Ya, we've been getting to know each other."

Derek smiled, "Oh ya?"

Addison smiled, "She reminds me of Kathleen."

"Oh no."

Addison laughed, "If we try to open the blinds when she's sleeping she will literally hold her breath until we close them. And you do not want to know the trouble she causes if her bedding is not to her liking. These are baby blankets that over indulgent parents have left here, she tenses her whole body up if you put her on the hospital blankets."

Derek chuckled.

"She's definitely a Shepherd," Addison teased softly, "Look at that hair."

Derek brushed his fingertips over the wispy strands of dark brown hair.

"I think she might end up looking like Andi," Addison continued, "I'm not fooled by those McDreamy baby blues, I think they'll end up hazel like your sisters. And she already has that cute little nose."

"How's she doing? Medically."

Addison sighed and rested her chin on her forearm. She looked at Derek a long moment and then back to the sleeping baby. She sighed again, "I'm doing everything I can think of."

Derek nodded slowly.

Addison reached behind her chair to the counter and picked up the chart. She handed it to Derek and resumed her position leaning against the ledge of the incubator, her fingers lightly stroking the baby's leg. "We have her on the transplant list for a kidney. Her bowel and intestinal function is low, but we can help that. And, she has a heart murmur that worries me. But we are running tests and seeing what our opinions our. There _are_ options Derek."

Derek sighed and cupped the crown of the baby's head against the palm of his hand.

"She's breathing on her own," Addison reminded him quietly, "She was fighting the ventilator from the moment we put her on it."

"You did an MRI?"

"She wasn't responding well to stimuli," Addison admitted.

"What did…"

"We both know how resilient kids brains are Derek," she reminded him, "Other parts pick up the slack."

He stared at her steadily trying to decipher the truth from the hope she was trying to give him. "What are her chances? Realistically, of getting the transplant, of treating the murmur, doing all the things she needs."

"She's so small, Derek," Addison refused to look at him, "But I'm going to find a way."

Derek nodded and rubbed his hands over his face. His eyes burned. "Can you help me," he paused, and swallowed hard, "unhook her?"

Addison stared at him in surprise.

"Meredith can't make decisions now, she's on pain medications and sedatives," Derek said shakily, "She doesn't want to see Julie like this and… I want her to be able to hold her daughter without being crowded by machines."

Addison nodded, blinking furiously.

Derek stared at all the machines; "Meredith shouldn't have to remember her like this."

Addison stood. She met Derek's eye and nodded. Silently they ––together­­–– began removing all the wires, tubing, needles and monitors. Addison found a soft pink blanket, the tag promising 73 cashmere, and gently swaddled the baby before placing her in Derek's arms.

Derek stood rooted to the spot for a moment, swaying back and forth. "I should bring Mom up to see her first," he said softly.

"I'll go get her," Addison offered, moving past him.

She paused at the door and turned back.

Stepping over to Derek, she rested a hand on his arm while leaning over to kiss Julie's soft cheek, "I'm glad we got to meet."

XXXX

It was the first time Addison had ever stepped foot in the hospital chapel. She wasn't fond of church beyond the traditional Christmas service. She didn't like the idea that there was something bigger out there, that things were pre-destined; she didn't like to think that she wasn't in control.

She sat down in the nearest seat to the door and buried her face in her hands. The grief that she had been holding back escaped all at once as tears pooled in her palms and dripped down her wrists.

Meredith's friends turned in their seats to stare at her –– to stunned to react.

Understanding flooded the room.

Richard stared at his palms for a moment then stood and lit a candle.

Bailey, quite matter-of-factly, knelt on the floor and clasped her hands –– praying.

Mark's strong frame shuddered with tears from his seat directly in front of Addison's. Without stopping to think about it, he switched seats, wrapping his arms around her and letting his tears fall into her hair.

They sat in silence, wrapped up in their shared grief until the door opened and Catherine entered and took the seat next to Addison. She hugged Addison tightly and smoothed her hand over hair, "Addison listen to me," she whispered against her hair, "You gave them time with their daughter," she pulled back to look Addison in the eye, "If you hadn't been here they would have lost Julie before she was even born. _You_ gave them time with her."

Addison nodded and buried her face against Catherine's neck.

Catherine reached out and rested a hand on Mark's shoulder, including him in their embrace. Only then did she cry.

XXXX

Derek stepped into Meredith's room, smiling as she looked over at him, "Look who I brought."

He watched as realization washed over her face. He stepped over to the bed and Meredith reached out her arms, eager to hold her baby.

She cradled the baby against her chest, studying every feature. She smiled, "She looks just like you."

"You think?" Derek sat on the bed with her.

"Except her ears. She has my ears. They don't stick out."

Derek chuckled.

"She's pretty don't you think?"

"She's very pretty."

"Look at her eyelashes,' Meredith smiled, "She'd never have to waste money on an eyelash curler.

Derek wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple.

Meredith carefully unwrapped the blanket and examined each finger, freckle, wrinkle and toenail. She bent over and kissed the tiny bruise the IV had left on Julie's foot, "I thought I was going to have more time to do this, to kiss her better. I thought I was going to have more time to be her Mom."

Derek pulled her closer to him, "You'll always be her Mom."

Meredith nodded, her slight frame trembling with sadness, "But I can't kiss her better."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'm sad.

Cheer me up ­­(with reviews preferably)


	4. Let's Talk About It

I'm sorry that I took so long to update. According to WebMD I either have Pneumonia or The Plague, I really hope it's not the plague. That would suck.

Also this might be the last chapter that I write on this computer. I am in the process of ordering a new one (just waiting to talk to my mom so we can discuss the best place to have it delivered) so lets hope that the magic is in my head and in my fingers wink wink and not something to do with the computer that I've been sitting in front of for the past 4.5 years.

So I was going to include dates, with these sections, but then I didn't. Just remember that there is passage of time. I feel it's weird to think this, but sometimes I wish that my chapters could include like… footnotes or have pop up were I could give additional information.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A cool breeze. Tall mountains all around her. A lake. No sound except the wind in the trees. I inhale pine and cool air.

Peace and tranquility.

My eyes fluttered open. Glancing at the clock, I make a few last notations in my notebook –– _March 5__th__- _To do: research regression therapy, Dinner with Martin at 8 –– before taking my glasses off and rubbing the bridge of my nose. Tension headache. It's with a certain amount of regret that I slid my shoes back on under the cover of the desk and stand. I shake my head at my reflection in the window ––I should really buy a mirror ­­–– and straightened my cream blouse and brown tweed skirt –– I still need to loose that holiday weight. I check my hair, tucking back a loose lock of grey hair. What the hell ­­–– I give my reflection a wink. Bracing myself –– like I always do –– I hit the button on my desk and cross to the seating area on the other side of the room.

The door opened slowly –– it always does. She enteres first ––she always does–– him after her still adjust their hands in the hold she has just initiated.

"Hello," I greet them.

"Hi," she sits on the couch, close beside him –– they always start out like that, close.

"Derek," I greet him, "Did you just come from the OR?" he never speaks until I ask him a direct question.

He nodded, "It went well. It's been a good morning."

"What about you Meredith?"

"Kinda slow," she looks down at her hands.

Her hair was still damp. Curls falling out of her ponytail, she needs her perm redone and her roots dyed. Her nails are ragged. "Have you given any more thought to returning to work?"

She shakes her head.

He sighs loudly and shifts slightly in his seat –– the first of many tiny movements that would create a foot of space between them by the end of the session.

She glances at him, the look of betrayal, "I'm not…"

"I know!" he cut her off. He often does that –– doesn't let her speak.

"Derek," I chastise lightly, "Meredith," I smile and nod for her to continue.

She shrugs, "I'm not ready to go back," she looks back down at her hands, "If she had lived I wouldn't have to go back to work yet."

"But she didn't."

"I know that _Derek_," she spats –– she's been coming to me for just over 2 months and she is just now starting to show her anger to him, "But why should I get _less_ time because _my_ baby died."

"Meredith ––" his tone is exasperated. He can't tolerate her pain and weakness.

"Traditionally the mourning period is one year," I interject –– poor Meredith needs someone on her side for a few minutes, "It's understandable that Meredith would want to spend that year without the added stress of her career." Derek leans back as I say this, not away from Meredith, just back.

"You can take time off too," she suggests quietly –– and not for the first time, "Mark is taking 4 months off to be with Sydney."

"Mark is taking time off to help her with the twins," Derek seems to be fighting to keep his jaw relaxed, "They have their hands full."

She looks at me and her eyes plead.

"Derek, what Meredith is suggesting is not that unfounded. After the loss of your daughter the two of you need to take time to re-bond as a couple without a child, just like your friends are now bonding as a couple with children. When you were preparing your home and rearranging your lives and careers you were also adjusting your relationship to include a new person. Your relationship is different now then it was and you need to cope with that together."

"What am I suppose to do?" Derek asks looking straight at her––he seems calm, but a little to calm. "Stay home and watch to you cry?"

"No!" She exclaims ––bravo–– "I just want you to _be there_ once in awhile. You're _always_ at work and I feel like I am going through this alone."

"Well, Meredith. _One of us_ has to work. We can't _both_ sit around in our pajamas all day drinking _$20 bottles of red wine_. _Someon_e needs to _support us._"

XXXX

"It was _hurting her to keep her ALIVE_" Derek exclaims, "What was I suppose to do? Every time I tried to talk to you, you became hysterical. You were either sedated or crying, I had to make all the decisions because you _couldn't_."

"_You didn't try to talk to me! You just did it! You didn't want her, you didn't care, it was just easier for you to let her die then to deal with a sick baby_!"

Derek is so angry I can see him shaking. He has made it very clear that he has only been attending therapy for her. I wonder, does he think they are beyond help? If I could think of a way to reassure him, I would. They are doing remarkably well, better then he thinks.

"_You never loved her. You never loved me. You never felt anything. The whole time, you wanted a way out. You wanted her gone. You are selfish. You don't care about anyone but yourSELF_."

"Meredith," I have to interrupt, at this point her blame towards him is just anger and frustrations, "What do you mean when you say Derek doesn't feel anything? Do you feel he had no emotional connection to you or Julie, or do you feel that he hides his feelings from you?"

"I ––" Meredith's jaw slackens slightly –– she wasn't thinking about what she was saying, just lashing out in anger. Derek's face is hidden in his hands, his back to her, with his elbows resting on his knees, "I don't know. I ––"

"From now on," I suggest, "When something like that happens, when you have an outburst like that, I want you to take a few seconds to think about what you said and what you are going to say next. Sometimes we say things that we didn't realize we felt. Is that what just happened?"

Meredith continues to stare at Derek's profile; she's not listening to me. Luckily, I occasionally talk just so I feel I've earned my fee.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, glancing down at her hands. We both wait for him to respond, but he doesn't, "I know you love her, you didn't want her to die, I just ––" she silently collects her thoughts, "I've felt alone. Even before she died, I felt that you were just going through the motions for my sake. I –– I sometimes thought you didn't want to be with me anymore, or you didn't need me anymore. I thought that you were going to leave me. I guess I was angry because I thought that you were taking her away from me so it would be easier for you to leave –– maybe?"

Derek sits up slowly and they turn slightly to face each other.

"I was relieved when I found out we were having Julie. It was a reason for us to be together, we were going to be a family. I wanted that, I wanted her to be that connection between us so nothing could rip us apart. We would always have her to hold on to and remind us why we love each other."

They are sitting closer together now, a first after almost 4 months of sessions. Meredith has come so far.

"I never saw you anymore, Derek. You worked all the time and you were always with Mark and Sydney and Addison; and you didn't want me to be friends with them, you never invited me to join you."

Derek is shifting uncomfortably.

"So I thought you didn't need me anymore, you had your friends back and you didn't need me anymore."

"You were so happy…"

"I wasn't. I was terrified that one day you'd realize that I was too damaged for you. When I thought I was pregnant I was scared to find out because I thought that you would leave me anyway, I needed you to stay with me."

"Mer, I was _happy_ we were having Julie. I couldn't wait to be a father."

Derek still has an edge to his voice; something she said is bothering him.

"Well, I _looked _happy too, how was I supposed to know what you really felt?"

Technically, they are 3 minutes past their allotted 50 minute slot, but this is their last session before Meredith goes back to work and our last session before my 2 week vacation. I love Paris at the end of April. It's best that they continue with this.

"I was worried about you. I love you, I was trying to do what was best for you and for Julie."

"I know. I know. But –– some times it's hard to trust you Derek. You hide things."

"I'm protecting you."

"Like you protected me from your _wife_?"

Well. I may only have a PhD and have written several best selling books on this, but I'd say that Meredith is a little touchy when it comes to the subject of Derek's ––I'm assuming ex–– wife. Also, I feel out of the loop, I didn't know that Derek was.

"Sorry," Meredith apologizes quietly.

Derek turns his head to look out the window. The difficult thing about counseling couples is that their dialogue extends beyond what they are saying to each other, they read body language and tone of voice. As an outsider to the relationship it's impossible to really follow the conversation, the threads that weave their trains of thought together are visible only to them.

"So what you are saying, Meredith, is that it's all my fault. Everything."

XXXX

Derek has been furious with her since well before they walked into the office today. They aren't even sitting by each other –– she is sitting, he is pacing like caged animal that's been repeatedly poked.

"She took my car!" Derek exclaims.

Meredith rolls her eyes at that; I can't really blame her.

"Derek, sit down," I instruct. He glares at me and ignores me. "Can you tell me _why_ you're so upset that Meredith took your car?"

They are exchanging a long argumentative look –– I suspect that whatever is said next is going to be a lie.

"I wanted to go see Julie and I couldn't find my keys," Meredith crosses her arms and stares at anything not human.

"You should have _waited_ for me," he growls, "I would have taken you."

"_When! You're _never around."

"You _knew_ I'd be home at 8. I'm _always _home by 8."

"_I couldn't wait._"

Something about her tone is triggering alarms in my head; I just can't put my finger on it… "Was this on Monday?" No response, which means I'm right, "Monday was the six month anniversary of Julie's death wasn't it? You wanted to go to the cemetery?"

Meredith nods, "She would have been 6 months old. I had the day off so I…"

"_So you drank!"_

Meredith stares at him with such profound shock that I'm sure this is the first time he has accused her of this out loud. Frankly, I'm surprised.

"You _drank_ all morning," Derek spats, "Then you _drove_ clear across town _to fall apart on_ _our daughters_ grave, then you _drove_ home."

"How did you know?" she asks in a whisper, not denying anything.

"Because I got home and you had knocked over the garbage cans, you were parked half on the sidewalk, you dropped the keys on the lawn; because I _found_ an empty bottle at her grave _Meredith_."

"You were there?"

"I'm _there_ _every day_."

"You never told me _that_."

For a fraction of a second I think that Derek is going to start pulling things off my bookcases and throw them around the room –– it wouldn't be the first time that has happened with a patient, and truth be told those shelves need to be reorganized.

"I never…" he stares at her in disbelief, "What were you _thinking? DRIVING_? You could have been _killed_. You could have _killed _someone _else_."

"I wasn't ––"

"You were _drunk_. I _know_ you were. Who do you think picks up the bottles Meredith? Who carries you up to bed _every god damn night_. _I DO. I'm the one that makes sure there is aspirin and water next to you when you wake up. I make sure there is hot coffee when you finally make it downstairs. I explain to our colleagues that you are just having a rough morning but that you'll be in soon. I make sure your interns are actually learning something on the days that you are too hung-over to make it in in time for rounds. So don't TELL ME that you weren't DRUNK when you drove 20 minutes across town to CRY OVER OUR DEAD DAUGHTER!"_

Damn. Okay. "Okay," I say out loud, barely above a whisper, "Derek, why don't you take a seat," I instruct gently as I push a box of tissues towards Meredith. Derek has chosen to sit in the chair adjacent to me rather then on the couch next to Meredith, and Meredith appears both completely defeated and ready to bolt from the room.

Everyone clearly need a few moments to collect themselves –– and I need a new game plan ­­–– so I cross the room and fill a tray with chocolate dipped biscuits and cups of tea. It's not the best plan, I realize this, tea can severely scald the skin when hurled at your partner in anger, but it's all I've got right now.

Meredith has curled herself into the corner of the couch, her knees up close to her chest. I offer her a cup of tea and she accepts it, cradling the warmth close to her face. Derek doesn't even acknowledge my offer.

"Well," I break the 10 minutes of silence –– they only have 7 minutes left to their session anyway, "Meredith," I begin, I'm clearly not going to get anything out of Derek right now ––nothing productive anyway, "Do you feel––" I hate how cliché this sounds "–– that Derek is unfairly accusing you?" I can see Derek glaring at her out of the corner of my eye, daring her to contradict him.

She shakes her head.

"Do you think that this is a problem that needs to be addressed?"

"Of course it's something that needs to be addressed," Derek spats, "She went from being addicted to painkillers to drowning in booze. She's an alcoholic and a drug addict."

"Derek," I reprimand sharply ­­––this is why I never had children. "Meredith has never tried to hide the fact that she masks her pain in self-destructive patterns. _Some_ might even say that her methods of dealing with pain and asking for help are actually _healthier _then ignoring the problem and keeping everything bottled up. Meredith expresses her pain, and now that it's recognized, we can start to help her. Don't you _think_?"

Not surprisingly, Derek doesn't respond.

"Meredith? What about today? Has today been a day like Derek referred?"

She shrugs, "I had a glass of wine with dinner. That's it."

"You had _half a bottle_ and _barely_ touched your salad _Meredith_."

"Then _why_ didn't you _say anything Derek_? _Why couldn't you say 'Meredith, I think you've had enough' or 'Meredith, I'm worried about you' or 'Meredith, why don't we talk for while instead of PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS FINE'!"_

"FINE," he concedes, "You want to talk? _Meredith, why_ the hell are you so determined to hurt yourself? _I _think that you _want_ something bad to happen. _I think that you want to get yourself killed._"

"At least then I could be with _her_, _instead of stuck here with you!"_

I swallow hard, I'm afraid to breath. It's one of those moments where I wish that I could just disappear, when I feel that my presence it doing someone much more harm then good. I try to move without jarring the silence around them.

From my desk I can hear them talking to each other –– whispering, crying, confessing, apologizing –– and when I look up he is sitting next to her, holding her hand and wrapping his arms around her –– holding her, protecting her, comforting her, loving her. She's melting into his embrace, and you can almost see them healing ––just a little.

"I think we should split up."

I look up in surprise.

"Us, together," Meredith continues pulling back and touching his cheek, "I don't think it's working. We need to do it own our own for awhile, we need to heal ourselves before we try to heal together."

"I don't understand."

And neither do I.

"I need to work out my problems without worrying about yours, and you needs to work on yours without having to deal with me."

"So…"

"So." She looks away, "I want to do this on my own for awhile. I just can't deal with you and Julie at the same time. We can talk at home, I just think that maybe we each need an hour a week that's just about us separately."

"Okay," he nods uncertainly, but smiles.

And with that, it's settled. From then on Derek and Meredith no longer attend grief counseling together.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well. That was a whole lot of MerDer right there. Overkill? Maybe. Am I going to do it again? Possibly.

Let me know what you think, I was thinking about writing the next chapter the same way, but not them together, them in the sessions separately. Derek, in particular, I think could use an opportunity to vent about everything that is going on in his life. Then we can talk about fixing them, which at this point … I'm not sure if that's possible. Right now I think that the all around best plan for these people would be for Meredith and Derek to just off themselves and for Addison and Alex to move to Boca and work on their tans. From there, I'll continue this fic focusing on the continuing adventures of Mark and Sydney and their terrible twins.


	5. I Wanna Talk About Me

So. I know. I have no excuse this time, that was a long time between updates. I apologize. But, good news. I have a new baby. Her name is Eloise and she arrived Monday morning –– just under 6 lbs –– by stork (aka Fed-Ex). We are all super excited. So this is the first chapter of fic ever to be written with Eloise and she will be very sad if you don't like it.

That said, I tried something new (I feel that you dread when I say those words). On the bright side those of you that were vomiting on the MerDer in the last chapter might like this one a bit more because even though it's just them, it's not all about them. Does that make sense?

In unrelated news, I can hear the hail falling outside which I'm thinking will ruin tomorrow's travel plans

**IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE CHAPTER**: Well. It's more 'therapy' and you may have to use your imaginations a little bit cause I just wrote dialogue, there are no little details that tell like tone or that they are fidgeting, you have to decide that for yourself. The only little… 'hints' that I gave you is that "––––––––" means that time has passed silently while someone thought about something, Oh, AND watch the quotation marks cause sometimes their dialogue runs on for a couple blocks without the other person cutting in, so if there aren't closing quotes at the end of a little block then that person is going to keep talking. What I kinda pictured was like… your listening to voice recordings of the sessions. But you can picture whatever you want.

The first rule of fic writing should be that chapters shouldn't need long paragraphs explaining how to read the chapter… or that no one talks about fight club... Go team.

Enjoy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I've been having an affair with my ex-wife."

" –––––– I see. You want to talk about it?"

"–––––––It started... almost 2 years ago now, she ended it when we found about Meredith's pregnancy. When we ––––– it ended badly. We didn't talk for almost 6 months, until... she delivered Julie. –––––– It's just... do you believe in Karma?"

"Do you?"

"I should have expected that."

"I think that we attribute Karma to events that we would other wise just regard as a part of life."

"Yeah. ––– But... It doesn't feel like that. It always comes back. Always. I treat my wife badly, she cheats. I lie to Meredith, Addison scares her away. I seriously took advantage of my wife on the night that we met and she went back to her boyfriend the next day. I didn't try hard enough to fix things with her and she left me and locked herself in a hotel room with my naked best friend for a week. I was 3 hours late for dinner one night and she had a headache for a month and a half."

"And you think that that's Karma?"

"I don't know what it is. Addison might just be a conniving vengeful little bitch ––– I'm not… she'd think that was funny, I'm not being mean –––––– It just seems like… the first time I was with Addison, after the divorce, Meredith was in the car accident –– at the exact same time. Exactly. And then when we were... we were together for a year and… we talked about leaving Meredith and Geoff –– thats Add's… fiance –– I was just about to talk to Meredith and suddenly she was pregnant and Julie was sick and then she was gone ––– it just feels that I'm being punished for something."

"Something?"

"But I… I couldn't help myself. I didn't want this."

"Why ––– do you feel, that you need _both_ relationships? –––––––––– What, do you get from your relationship with Meredith? Why do you enjoy being with her?"

"I… –––– We just belong together. We found each other, we fought for each other. It's like we were lost in the woods and we bumped into each other and together we figured out how to survive and get out."

"Okay…––– Why don't you explain it to me without using metaphors. Metaphors work better as excuses or explanations of things we don't understand. I think this is something that you understand."

"She... I met her one night at a bar. She was _it_. I needed a new life and she was just _it_. I was starting a new job in a new city with a new home, everything was new. But nothing felt different, it just felt like I was... waiting. Not... I just felt like... nothing. I didn't care about the new city or the new job or the new home, I didn't care about anything. Everything seemed so pointless and meaningless ––– I'm not laughing this just seems, so ridiculous to be talking about now ––– I was just waiting –– either for the courage to go back to my wife, for her to suffer enough that I could go back and feel that her pain was comparable to mine or for my wife to come find me in Seattle. But then Meredith was there and was just something about us that was the same. She was starting a new life and so I was I and I wanted someone to start my life with. I didn't want to be alone. I thought I did, I thought I wanted to be alone in the woods because there was no way that I would ever share my life with someone else, but Meredith's life was as new as mine. She had the new job and the new city and the new home, she even had secrets like I did. We were the same. I like having someone that... I feel that at the very center of who we are, our souls or whatever you want to call it, I feel that that piece of us is the same –– that we get each other and feel each other on a very basic level."

"Very good. But then why did you pursue a relationship with your ex-wife?"

"I don't have a good answer for that."

"Try."

"I can't"

"Do you think that you have residual feelings for her?"

"It's not like that, at all, with us. She's just there. I can't just ignore that she's here. I see her every day, and she's just... I don't know. I came home from work one day and just suddenly she wasn't my wife anymore. She could never be that person again. We tried to work it out, but we can't be married to each other anymore. We ruined that relationship. But she's still that person, she's still her and I'm still me. And we can be together without... being who we were. I realize that that doesn't make sense, but... I dunno. I'm just with her. She's not my wife, she's just Addison, we don't have to deal with all the problems that we had because that was a different relationship with different people. Those people were married, they had responsibilities towards each other, they weren't happy. With her now, it's just the good stuff."

"But why? ––––––––– Why are you happy now when you couldn't be happy then? What have you done to your relationship that has changed the dynamics between the two of you?"

"_I don't know_ –––––– I guess we are happy because, I think, we... made our relationship one... where... the unhappiness is, i guess, with other people… –––– That's not right is it? –––– God ––––I just want to be with her, without the huge mess we made of our life. I just want... she was the love of my life and I want it back. I want _that_ life back. Her back. I want _that back_. –––––– But I can't have that. I can't have what I want with her ––"

"Why?"

"Why? Because we would kill each other. We would actually kill each other. If we have that fight one more time –– if I have to think about her like that ever again –– we won't make it."

"So this is better?"

"It's the way it has to be, my future is with Meredith, I've always know that. Addison is nostalgia."

"Okay."

"What? Why are you..."

"Why am I accepting that and not pushing it? I think that you are going to spend the next week repeating what you just said to me to yourself. You don't need me to push it. Besides, your hour is up."

"What do I pay you for then?"

"I'm not really sure. ––––––– Listen Derek, you can love them both but you can't be with them both, thats all I can tell you. I know its seems like you can have the best of both worlds, but you are just cheating yourself and them. Eventually someone is going to want more from you and you are going to want more from them."

XXXX

"It's not that I don't think that he would understand, I just … I don't think that he would get it, you know?"

"Pretend that I don't."

"Well. I think that intellectually he would understand but he really wouldn't... know… I dunno."

"Emotionally maybe?"

"Ya. Emotionally I don't think he would understand."

"Have you tried explaining it to him?"

"I… I wouldn't know how."

"Practice on me."

"I dunno… It was, I just don't know, I was looking forward to being a mom, maybe. But not like… I wanted to skip all the baby stuff with her. I couldn't wait for her to be older so I could do things with her and play with her, read to her, talk to her. I didn't… I wanted to have… I wanted her too… I wanted to put her first but not have her ever know it. I wanted her to think it was normal for me to pick her up everyday from school or play dolls with her and stay home from work when she's sick and bring her ginger ale and saltines. I didn't want those things to be a special occasion.

And maybe it's selfish of me –– I don't know –– but I think that Derek would just think that this is some sort of weird issue with my parents, and thats fair and probably part of it, but isn't that what you are suppose to want for your kids? Things that you didn't have? Derek had a perfect childhood. He has sisters and an amazing mother, he was lucky, I wanted my daughter to have that and I wanted to be a part of it too.

I think that Derek would just pity me"

"Is that fair?"

"No. I don't want him to pity me, I want him to understand that I lost more then just a baby. I lost a whole _life_."

"I think..."

"She was my chance. She was keeping me sane and grounded, I had to pull myself together cause I had someone that needed me to be strong."

"Meredith, we are almost out of time but this is very good. Very good. I'm proud of you."

"–––– _Thank_ you."

XXXX

"I don't _want_ to think it, but I do."

"Have you asked Meredith about it?"

"I don't want…We went out to dinner last night –– just pizza –– but it's the first time she's smiled since… she smiled the first time she held Julie."

"What made her smile last night?"

"I don't know, she was just relaxed."

"Why?"

"_No no_, she wasn't drinking. She's been good about that. She has amazing control when she wants too."

"Then why are you connecting dinning out to her pregnancy?"

"Because if I talk to her about it, if I ask, there won't be anymore nights like last night. She won't be smiling and insisting that Parmesan cheese will make the pizza taste better."

"So you don't want to upset her?"

"No."

"Have you considered that maybe this is something that she might want to talk about. My experience with Meredith is that she is quite willing to talk about her past problems."

"Not with me. ––––––––––––– She doesn't really talk to me about these things. It was different when we were here together, I don't know why, but when it's just us she doesn't really talk about things."

"Do you ask?"

"No."

"Do you want her to talk to you about these things?"

"I want… I think that she thinks that I'd rather not know."

"Is she right?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'd rather not."

"What don't you want to know?"

"This is what kills people, these moments right here. This is why people drive off bridges and wash their sleeping pills down with vodka or expensive brandy. –––––– I don't want her to tell me that she was taking pills while she was carrying our daughter. I don't want her to tell me that this could have turned out different."

XXXX

XXXX

"Has Derek said anything about it?"

"You know I can't tell you that. But I know it worries him."

"Ya…"

"Is it something that you want to talk about today?"

"No. I dunno. I guess. I have a friend that I talk to about it sometimes, she helps. She calls every couple of days and we just talk."

"Someone from work?"

"No. She's actually kind of a life coach. She deals mostly will oxycontinent dependancy, I met her after I had the accident."

"You're finding she's helping?"

"I think so. She's says it's because I've seen her in a sever state of intoxication so it balances things out. She's easy to talk to about it."

"You said she's a life coach?"

"Yes. Oh, no. It wasn't like that. She's Derek's ex-sister-in-law and she was in Seattle once over her birthday and Derek and I ended up escorting them home after searching every seedy bar in the city for them."

"Addison's sister?"

"Ya."

"She counceled you on your dependancy?"

"Yes. How did you know Addison was his… does he talk about her?"

"You know I can't…"

"I know, I know."

"She delivered Julie didn't she? ––– Meredith?"

"Ya, she did. ––––––– He didn't tell you… no, never mind."

"What is it Meredith?"

"No. Nothing I was just wondering what he said about her… and us. You probably can't say anything."

"No. Sorry."

"It's fine. I guess I wouldn't want you tell him what we talk about, so…"

"What wouldn't you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Just things… nevermind."

"–––– Okay. Let's get back to your friend…"

"Adrienne?"

"Yes. What do you talk about?"

"Just, whatever is going on. It's kinda like what I think having an AA sponsor would be like, except she's really funny and unconventional. Her kids are named after gemstones."

"Have you ever thought about that?"

"What? AA?"

"You might benefit from the structure."

"Maybe. I dunno, I just don't think that I'd fit in."

"Why not?"

"Well. It's this idea that Adrienne and I have been tossing around, she says it's an excuse but, I dunno, I think it makes sense and she cautiously-somewhat-sort-of agrees. –– I just think, maybe, for me drinking isn't really only a problem, maybe it's helping?"

"Why would you say that?"

"I'm not excusing it, or saying it's the best way… but I think it helps. I mean, either I forget everything that has happened, which I think I sometimes need; or I can talk about it. Either way it helps."

"Be that as it may, Meredith, this kind of behavior only helps in the short term."

"But all I've got is short term, I can't think long term; I'm still just trying to make it through the day and remember to keep breathing."

XXXX

" Addison? She's… stubborn as hell, and you never know what she is mad about. She says she's passive aggressive, but really she's just being difficult. Like she'll say she's mad because I forgot to pick up milk for her coffee when really all I did was change the channel when she _wasn't_ watching Jeopardy. But she's funny. Hilarious, or expressive might be the word. And kind, she's nice even when she's being a bitch, and she can be a huge bitch when she want's to be. And she has passion for everything that she does, everything. She's an excellent doctor –– driven, compassionate, talented.

And she's, just, beautiful."

XXXX

"I've been thinking… well wondering. Do you think that he'd do it again? ––– I know, you can't really answer that. I just want to ask, you know? If he could go back and do it all again would he have let things get bad with Addison? Like… does he wish that that had never happened? Would he have gone through it again so we could be together?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Okay. Not going to lie. I have 3 different versions of this chapter. I mean it's the same content but the formatting is different (and one has the little extra stuff in Derek's sections –– like inner-thoughts and descriptive detail) and the other I decided was just to confusing to read cause there was spaces with each long pause… well, I dunno if it was harder to read… it was easier and harder. Whatever.

I PROMISE that I won't write anymore weird chapters for awhile. And I had a sudden burst of inspiration like 10 days ago and mapped out the next 5 chapters (which will bring us to the end of the section). So thats exciting. There is an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel if you will.

Leave Eloise some lovin'.


	6. Tragedy

Hey. Guess what. It's a real chapter. Not like crazy first person. Just a regular old boring fun filled chapter.

So interesting thing about this chapter. I included some of Derek's family. This chapter has Kathleen –– who I see as Paula Marshall, Catherine, invented sister Laura –– who I picture as slightly older Lauren Graham, and a couple… okay 4... of Laura's kids that I don't really picture as anyone. I didn't even name them all, the older 2 are Jenny and Anna…

Have fun with the normal… somewhat Addeky, chapter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm sorry. Dr. Shepherd is in a conference."

Meredith glanced up at the receptionist at the mention of Derek's name.

"I appreciate that it's an emergency but..." she listened intently "... I'll page him right away."

Meredith glanced back at her chart. It was pretty cool having a hotshot neurosurgeon boyfriend.

She grinned at him as he came around the corner, blushing when he trailed his hand lazily across her back as he passed.

"You have a call on line 4," the nurse informed him.

He winked at her as he picked up the phone, "Dr. Shepherd." His face instantly turned grave, "What happened?"

Meredith brow furrowed as she listened. Whatever it was, it wasn't good news.

"I'm going to switch to another phone okay? Give me one minute," he put the call and hold and headed immediately to a nearby office, "Page Addison," he instructed.

"What happened?" Meredith questioned.

"_Page Addison!"_

"She's in a meeting, she's not picking up pages."

Derek swore under his breath and picked up the phone again. He jabbed angrily at the dial pad, then threw the receiver back down to it's cradle before disappearing into the adjoining private office, slamming the door behind him.

XXXX

Addison rolled her eyes in annoyance as she felt her pager vibrate against her hip. She told every person in the entire hospital not to page her –– she was on a conference call with Richard with a hospital in England about a really high profile case. _England_.

She darted her eyes down to her pager, frowned, and looked again.

_233673911#3._

Derek? What the…

She glanced at Richard apologetically.

He nodded. It must be important if someone was paging her out of this.

Addison's heart raced. He hadn't paged her like this in a year. She felt slightly nauseous as she climbed the steps to the third floor. They avoiding even looking at each other, why would he be paging her?

She was nervous.

"Have you seen Derek?" Addison asked as casually as she could manage.

"In there," Meredith nodded sullenly, "I thought you weren't picking up pages?"

Addison crossed to the office, but paused at the door, "You knew he paged me?"

"I was standing right here."

Derek was motioning to her thru the window. Addison gave Meredith one last look and entered the room.

Meredith watched them talk a moment before he handed her the phone and directed her into his chair.

"What's wrong?" she demanded as he emerged from the room, more then a little annoyed that Addison was allowed in the loop and she wasn't.

Derek's face was strained and was void of colour, "My sister, Laura, was in an accident," he said slowly, clearly in shock, "She's stable now, but she's hurt bad. Her husband's dead. And they don't know if their daughter is going to pull through."

Meredith was silent. There didn't seem to be anything to say.

"I need to go home."

XXXX

Addison leaned against the wall, her arms crossed across her chest and her fingers tapping nervously against her arm. She had just gotten off the phone with her former sister-in-law and she was watching Derek frantically taking care of thing so that he could fly home and be with his family.

He glanced up and met her eye.

He looked quickly to Meredith who was occupied making arrangements of her own. He started towards her, nodding that she should take a few steps back so they were out of sight.

She backed around the corner and pressed her back against the wall.

"I'll call you," he promised in a low voice as he stood close to her, their foreheads almost touching, "If I find something out, I'll call you immediately."

She nodded, staring at her feet, "Thank you."

"If you need to be there..." he paused, not wanting to think about that possibility but knowing it was a reality, "... If you need to be there, I promise, I'll fly you there myself."

She gave him a small smile and nodded again. She wasn't sure exactly what to do. How she was suppose to be acting towards him. He held his hands out at her side, unsure if they wanted to grasp her arms or hug her.

"Derek?" Meredith stepped around the corner, unsure as to wither she was intruding, and whether she should be worried at all that there might, even now, be something to intrude on.

"Yeah," he replied, not looking at Addison again, "Let's go."

XXXX

Addison sank into the painfully hot bath water and compulsively rearranged the 2 inches of bubbles so they cover the entire surface of the water.

"Don't you fall in," she warned the black cat sitting at the edge batting at the bubbles, "I won't save you. Not tonight."

She reached for her wine and took a sip.

"_Ali_," she yelled in the direction of the door, "_Come get your cat!"_

There was a few minutes of silence.

"Where are you?" Ali called from the hall.

"Tub."

Ali opened the door and stepped in, "Raven," she chastised the cat that was batting wildly at the bubbles Addison was flicking at her head. Ali looked at Addison curiously, "You're home early."

"Today sucked and I can't drink on the job," Addison smiled wearily and tilted her wine glass towards Ali before taking a sip.

Ali frowned, "I thought you were going to take me driving before Dad got home. I wanted to learn to parallel park."

"Honey, I can't even parallel park," Addison looked longingly at her glass, "Just let me finish this," she paused, "Really, this might be a good thing. If you crash the car again, maybe our cover won't be blown."

"And Dad will still let me get my license," Ali smiled and picked up her cat, "Drink up."

XXXX

"That is the same thing that you told us 3 hours ago. Why don't you know anything?"

"Kathleen," Derek spoke in relief the moment he came around the corner, she was exactly who he wanted to see first.

"Derek," Kathleen spoke with equal relief as she hug her brother tightly, "They won't tell us anything."

Derek nodded, he expected that, "Where are the kids?"

"With the Bartlett's," she shook her head, "They took them home so they could sleep in their own beds. They're… calling family..." she took a deep breath, "Andi and Nancy and the guys have all our kids at the big house, so it's just me, Mom and Jenny," She turned back to the doctor, "But no one seems to know anything."

"I'll find out," Derek assured her. He kissed Meredith on the cheek and sent them both off find coffee for everyone.

XXXX

"It's still touch and go right now," Derek spoke softly into his cell as he looked through the glass window at his mother, sister, niece and girlfriend, "But Laura is awake and they have her in a room with Anna," he paused, "No. We probably won't know anything until morning. I'll call you when we hear. Okay. Bye."

He snapped the phone closed and stepped into the room.

"Laura just woke up."

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief.

Derek sat down beside his mother and took a deep breath, "They had to remove her spleen and a kidney but they think that they repaired most of the internal damage. It might take a few days to really know. She's groggy but they have her in a room with Anna. They are going to wait and set her leg tomorrow, it's going to be in traction for awhile, and her wrist and arm are fractured but not broken –– which we already knew."

"What about Anna?"

Derek closed his eyes,"Her back is broken."

"Oh my god," Catherine stood and started pacing back and forth.

"They can fix that right?" Jenny asked slowly, directing her questions towards Derek, "I mean thats basically your whole job isn't it?"

"They are going to try," he assured them, "But they can't promise anything."

"She's only 15," Jenny protested, "She can't…"

"Jennifer," her grandmother wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly, "Derek, did they say if we could see them?"

"Laura is asking for Jenny and the boys."

"Let's do that then," Catherine said softly, taking her 23 year old granddaughter by the hand and leading her down the hall.

"I'll call the Bartlett's and then go pick up the boys," Kathleen offered, grateful for something to do.

Derek nodded and leaned back, wrapping his arm around Meredith shoulder he kissed her temple.

"Who was on the phone," she asked, nestling into his arms.

"Just Addison. I promised I'd call," he sighed and kissed her again, "I'm glad your here."

XXXX

"They're taking Laura back in to surgery."

Kathleen sat down hard then pushed some money into her nephews hands, "Go buy some chocolate bars."

Neither boy moved.

"There is no function in her intestinal track," Derek spoke slowly.

"We are still trying to get a handle on the extent of some of her internal injuries," the specialist explained, "But she is doing better then we expected."

"Can we go see her now," the youngest boy asked softly.

"Yes," Kathleen relied, not even bother to ask the Doctors if it was okay, "But remember what I told you in the car, about the machines and Mom looking kinda different, okay?"

"And Anna's asleep."

Kathleen nodded, "Anna's still asleep."

Derek watched his nephews and his sister leave the room, an 11 year old by each hand, "Those kids are usually bouncing off the walls." He looked up to see the doctor still standing there, "What's wrong?"

"There is a complication with Anna, I was asked to fill you in," the doctor paused, "As you know we've had her in an induced coma because of the head trauma. We want to ease her out of that because there is some unusual swelling around her brain. Once she's awake we can evaluate her more thoroughly. If necessary later tonight we will insert a shunt, but we'd like to avoid putting her under anesthesia right now because we'll be operating on her spine tomorrow afternoon and it's going to be a long grueling operation for her."

"What's she listed as?" Derek asked wearily.

"Critical. Extremely Critical."

"Thanks Doctor," Derek nodded and reached for his cell phone.

Meredith watched Derek slip out of the room. This was the third doctor to visit concerning his niece, and the third time he had immediately left to make a phone call.

Meredith sighed.

Addison had been her aunt for 12 years.

He was just keeping her up to date.

Right?

XXXX

"How are you doing?"

Addison smiled as Geoffrey took the seat adjacent to her and pulled her legs over his lap. "I'm okay."

"Waiting for the phone to ring?"

"It's all I can really do," she sighed.

"Do you want me to make you something to eat? You must be starving. It's 6am and you haven't eaten since lunch."

"I made…" she closed her eyes and sighed, "We had a date last night."

"It's okay."

"We were going to pick a date for the wedding."

"We have plenty of time."

"I wanted a summer wedding though, it's already June. I don't want to get married in the rain." She sighed, "We are never getting married."

"We can get married next summer."

"No," she sighed, "Thats another whole year away."

"Maybe a Christmas wedding?"

She rolled her head up to stare at the ceiling, "Maybe we can elope."

Geoffrey laughed, "I don't want to deal with your sister when she finds out she missed our wedding."

"Well," Addison smiled, "By elope I meant you, me and Adrienne."

"I know," He leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips, "Now do you want to explain the huge dent in the side of my car?"

XXXX

"Who's that?"

Derek glanced over his shoulder at Meredith who was trying to stay inconspicuous in the far corner, "You remember Meredith. You met her at Christmas."

Anna stared at Meredith for a few seconds, and then closed her eyes.

"Anna?" Derek questioned quietly.

She didn't respond.

"Hey. Come on Monkey."

Still no response.

"I have something for you."

Anna made no indication that she heard him.

Derek reached into the bag at his feet, pulling out a knitted stuffed monkey Meredith had watched him agonize over in the hospital gift shop, "Your Aunt Addy asked me to give this to you."

Her eye's opened slowly, "She did?"

"Ya," Derek affirmed, "You scared her half to death. She was afraid she would have no one to shop with."

Anna smiled weakly, her eyes watching as Derek tucked the stuffed monkey into the arms that she couldn't feel.

"So when you're out of here, you're going to have to come visit me in Seattle so she can see for herself that you're okay. Okay? Remember when you used to come visit New York? Seattle has Ferry's too."

Anna barely nodded, "Can we have Banana Splits?"

"Of course, it'll be just like New York."

XXXX

"The swelling is not going down and we are starting to get concerned about some clotting around her spine. We need to operate now, it's our only option," the doctor explained, "I've discussed it with Laura and she agrees. It's the best thing for Anna."

Derek didn't wait for the doctor to finish his explanation; he just stood and walked into the hall.

"There is a flight that leaves Seattle at 9," he said into the phone, "I'll have your ticket waiting."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Okay, so it's not happiness and rainbows but I never promised that.

Review. Now.


	7. SOS

\/p>

I don't think I can even express to you how many drafts of this chapter I have gone though. I have deleted, rearranged, combined, added-to and then I completely re-wrote the ending… twice.

But I think that you guys will like…. you know… the general direction that things are taking.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Addison was walking as fast as she could; so fast that her trench was billowing out at her sides.

She saw him as soon as she stepped through the airport gates. Her pace increased, and within seconds she had dropped her carry-on at her feet, and his arms were encircling her waist. She gripped his shoulders tightly and let out the breath that she had been holding since he had left.

"Come on," he said, his voice low and exhausted as he took her hand, "We only have an hour before they take her in."

She hadn't even checked luggage, she had what she had thrown together between her locker and Callie's. 

She didn't drop his hand until they reached the surgical wing, her walking half a step ahead of him the whole time. 

"Did we make it?" Derek questioned, his hand resting between Addison's shoulders urging her towards the room.

"Yeah," Meredith watched as Addison went immediately to the little girls bedside, "She made it."

XXXX

It seemed like they waited forever.

Every time someone walked by the door every head jerked up to see if it was someone bringing news.

Meredith fidgeted in her seat, she desperately needed to pee and get a drink of water. She gave Derek's arm a comforting squeeze, "I'll be right back"

A long moment passed in complete silence, everyone in their separate groupings, quietly contemplating. Addison stood apart from the group, staring out the window into the late afternoon sun. She met Derek's eye as he watched her reflection in the glass.

She gave him a tentative smile.

He watched her a moment longer then dropped his head back in defeat.

She turned and crossed the room, claiming the spot that Meredith had vacated. Reaching over she entwined her fingers tightly with his and rested her cheek against his arm.

Instinctively he nuzzled his face against her hair and gripped her hand tightly; then, abruptly, he dropped her hand and left the room.

Addison sighed in frustration and followed him out of the room.

"Derek?" She called after him, "Derek!"

It was a full minute before he stopped walking and turned to face her, "Stop following me!"

Addison's jaw dropped in surprise.

"_Just. Stop_."

"_Fine_," Addison crossed her arms over her chest.

"You're not suppose to be here."

Addison was silent, staring at the ceiling above his head, "You asked me to come."

"I _know._"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"You can't leave," he exclaimed, "You're family."

"That's _not_ what I asked."

"I can't do this Addison. I just… I _can't_."

"You can't…" Addison shook her, "I don't know what you think I am _asking_ you to do Derek. I came because this is our _family_ and you _told me_ I should be here. You involved me. I didn't ask to come, I came because _you said you_ _wanted_ me here."

"I know. I do," Derek insisted pressing his hands against his temples, "I just… I can't… do this, Addison."

"Do what? I'm not _asking_ you to _do anything_," Addison shook her head and stared at the wall, tracing the lines of the bricks, "You know two years ago we were having this exact same fight, except that it was me saying 'I can't' and you _were_ asking me for something."

"Derek?" 

Derek looked out over Addison's shoulder, "Ya?"

"Mom is asking for you," Jenny said slowly, watching them carefully.

"Okay," Derek nodded and stepped by Addison without giving her a second glance.

"So…" Jenny began once Derek had disappeared around the corner, "What was that."

"Habit," Addison groaned in frustration, "Almost 4 years and we can't even be in the same room without fighting."

"Apparently," Jenny smiled wearily, "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure," Addison smiled back and wrapped her arm around Jenny's shoulders.

"I don't know where you are planning on staying while you are here, but would you mind watching Sophie tonight? I want to stay here with Mom and Andi has been juggling 4 babies for the past 2 days…"

"Sophie ––" Addison smiled, "I forgot you were a mom now."

"I know," Jenny grinned, "I do, too."

Addison sighed as they started back towards the waiting room, "Seems like yesterday that you were throwing tantrums and screaming that you were to old to be my flower girl."

XXXX

Catherine gently stroked Laura's fingers, her other hand tangled in her dark curls.

"Mom?"

"Ya, baby?"

Laura turned her eyes towards her mother and shook her head, shrugging.

"What is it?"

"I don't think I can go tomorrow."

"The funeral?"

She nodded.

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do. He's my husband."

"Laura…"

"I'm just not ready for that closure yet. I don't think I even realize that he's gone yet. I haven't even… cried. How can I go to his funeral and grieve when I don't even believe that he's gone."

"You go for your kids."

Laura inhaled sharply, "What kind of mother am I? I can't even keep my kid's fathers alive."

Catherine smiled, "You, are a fantastic mother. Better then Nancy, she's the last person that should have procreated."

Laura laughed in spite of herself.

"And as for keeping our kid's fathers alive, well, it happens to the best of us."

"Hey," Derek stepped in the room, making no preamble he slide onto the bed and linked his arm through his sister's.

Catherine smiled –– her blue eyed babies. 

"This sucks," Laura whispered leaning on Derek's shoulder.

"Yeah."

"You really brought Addison?"

"Yeah."

"That was stupid."

"Yeah. I'm starting to see that."

"Mrs. Bartlett?"

Laura, Derek and Catherine looked up to see the Doctor standing in the doorway, a grim look on his face.

He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

XXXX

"Coffee?" 

Meredith smiled and accepted the mug from the outstretched hand of Derek's youngest sister.

"Where is he?" Andrea asked as she sat down beside her.

"I don't know, I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone."

"As if he left you here. Alone. In a room… with Kathleen and Nancy."

"Those where kinda my thoughts too. They don't even have kids or husbands here to distract them."

"And they have each other. Which is not good. You're lucky you have me and Laura."

"I've never even met Laura."

"Oh. I forgot. Derek keeps you hidden away from her. I think he's afraid that she won't like you and then he'll be compelled to leave you."

"Addison fan?"

"Not even, she hates Addison these days. Her and Derek just have an overly developed sibling bond. But hey, instead of staying at the big house where Kathleen reigns over all, you get to stay at the little house with me and Jenny. All the 20-somethings in one house, it's like a sorority of outcasts. If you ignore the babies."

"I love the babies."

Andrea smiled, "See I knew you would. Everyone else wanted to pussy-foot around it and I was like, come on, you can't just hide babies from her for the rest of her life. This family is retarded when it comes to babies."

"Personal experience?"

"They have been procreating since I was 7. Me and Jenny are more like cousins then aunt and niece. The whole damn family is just psychotic. Oh my god, single girls with babies. Or like with you. Everything about you is like major drama that requires multiple phone calls to every member of this family."

Meredith blushed, but chuckled.

"No seriously. You're my age, people freaked out about that. I was just grateful to _finally_ have someone that understood the brilliance of ballet flats and how they totally go with everything; there are _way_ to many prada-wearing-40-something's in this family. I'm totally out numbered and ignored. You, me and Jenny need to band together. Dog-eat-Dog. Us or them or those other ones. Fogies, team super-cool –– thats us, and the rugrats."

Meredith laughed, "You've given this a lot of thought."

"I've been waiting for Derek's mid-life crisis since I was 14," Andi grinned, "You were like a Christmas present. That puppy that every kid asks Santa for but never gets."

"How much coffee have you have?"

"None," she sighed, "I'm just talking. My sister and niece are a little to close to the light for my liking, and it seems like everyone else has someone to keep them sane. Mom's the only rational and calm person in this family, which is why she's the only one Laura is letting into her room –– it's also the reason we begged her to move into the little house –– but it leaves me hanging out with the precocious pre-med or whatever they are calling you these days."

"Sorority of outcasts?"

"Welcome to the club."

XXXX

"We're stopping," the Doctor was saying as Addison re-entered the room, Derek standing stoned-faced at his side.

"What happened," Kathleen demanded.

All eyes turned to her.

"Anna's coded twice," the doctor explained, "We don't want to put anymore stress on her. So we've stopped and we'll go back in a few days when she has had a chance to rest."

"Can we see her?" Catherine asked.

"She's in ICU for the night," the Doctor informed them, "If one or two of you want to go in, that's fine, but no more then that," he smiled at them, 

"Laura asked me to tell you to all go home, and she doesn't want to see any of you until breakfast." Derek informed his family, "Jenny's staying with her, she wants everyone else to go."

"Alright," Kathleen stood, immediately taking charge, "Family dinner tonight. The big house. Bring casseroles," she stood on her tip-toes and called over the bustle of family getting ready to leave, "Addison. Don't move," she ordered, weaving her way over, she nudged her in the ribs, "Way to keep in touch."

Addison smiled, "Well there are a lot of you to try to keep in touch with. And I've left messages with every single one of your kids at one point or another, so maybe you teach them to write messages down and we'll be able to get in touch with each other."

"Touche, Dr. Montgomery."

"I try, Dr. Carmichael."

Kathleen smiled briefly, "So where are you staying?"

"I don't know," Addison sighed, "I was going to drive up and stay with my Mom, apparently Abigail is home too, but Jenny asked me to take Sophie for the night and I am not driving her an hour and a half out of town to subject her to my mother and kid sister, so I might just get a hotel close by."

"Stay at the little house."

"Derek's staying there."

"So what. Take Jenny's room, it's across from Mom's, and has the good shower."

"The gable room?"

"And you wouldn't have to pack up all that baby crap."

"Kathleen…"

"I'd say stay at the big house but I already have 12 kids and 4 adults crammed into 4 bedrooms with 2 bathrooms and an empty fridge."

"We'll see."

Kathleen nodded, "I was also wondering if you had talked to Mark."

"Mark?"

"Ya. Have you talked to him since you got here?"

Addison shook her head, "I think I saw him right after Derek left. I told him what was going on but then he got paged… why?"

"No. No reason. I'll just call him when I get home, update him."

"Update Mark?"

"Ya, well, it's Laura."

"Laura? Mark and Laura?"

"You didn't know that? He asked her to every school dance from grade 6 up to prom. She said no every time, but still got mad if it looked like he wouldn't ask her. I think they even went on a few dates after Joe died, but… Jenny was so young then and Mark was still doing his undergrad…"

"Mark and Laura…"

"Yeah. I can't believe you didn't know that. Laura almost didn't go to your wedding because Mark had a date. She didn't talk to Nancy for months when… I'm not even sure if she's talking to you or not," Kathleen smiled grimly, "Someone should call Mark."

XXXX

"Laura's doing fine," Addison said softly the moment that Mark answered the phone.

He breathed a sigh of relief, "She's okay?"

"Medically speaking, she's going to recover. It's just going to take time," she waited for him to say something, but when he didn't she continued, ""I would have called sooner but I didn't know that you…"

"I didn't think that anyone remembered really."

"Kathleen did."

"Ya. She would. Kathleen is like an elephant, she never forgets. Anything," Mark sighed again, "This is the second time that Laura has lost the love of her life. Once is bad enough but… How does she, of all people, deserve that? She should be happy." 

"Hey," Addison grinned, "Guess what I'm doing tonight?"

"What?"

"Baby-sitting her granddaughter."

"Sophie?" Mark smiled, "Laura sent me a picture from her christening. She's a knock out isn't she? Laura's eyes."

Addison was silent for a long moment, "She's the love of your life isn't she?"

"The first of many," Mark chuckled, "But ya. She's definitely the first."

XXXX

"Don't you find this awkward?"

"What?" Addison took a gulp of her milk and kicked her heel against the cupboard door.

"Being here. With Meredith," Andrea, asked, "Stop kicking my cupboards. I've spent 2 years trying to get rid of those dents you left."

Addison was silent a moment, "We all work together in Seattle," she said finally.

"But this is here. With family. In the house."

Addison shrugged.

"Addison. Please. You and Derek lived in this house for 3 years. This was your first home with him."

"Ya, I know," Addison looked down at her hands and resumed kicking her heels against the cupboard, "But things are different now."

Derek entered the kitchen, purposely ignoring Addison and honestly not noticing Andrea. He reached for the cabinet directly behind Addison, forcing her to lean out of the way to he could open it. 

"I don't know what Kathleen was thinking," Andi turned to Addison, "I don't know how to make a casserole. Do you know how to make a casserole?"

Derek was just closing the door when he realized that he should get a glass for Meredith too.

But Addison didn't realize that he was going to open the door again, and she was already starting to straighten up.

The door hit her on the forehead –– hard –– her milk slide from her hand and crashed to the the floor.

She wavered unsteadily for a moment, and started to slide –– stunned –– off the counter.

"Oh God, Addison," Derek moved to help her from the counter, "I'm sorry."

Addison slowly brought her hand up to her forehead, "You did that," she paused, her brow wrinkling in confusion, "on purpose..."

"Addison look at me," Derek instructed. He didn't like how she responded. She wasn't angry, she wasn't throwing things at him or hitting him, she was being completely passive.

Addison slowly brought her head up and looked him in the eye. Or tried too. She wasn't quite able to focus on him.

"Damn it," Derek groaned under his breath, "Come sit down."

Addison didn't move, just looked around the room slowly.

"Addison?" he asked gently, "Come sit over here at the table, okay." He gently took hold of her hand and directed her towards the table, a steadying hand on her waist, "Andi, can you get us some frozen peas and a towel?"

Meredith tentatively entered the kitchen, "What's going on?" she questioned, watching Derek situate Addison in a chair.

"Addison hit her head," Derek stared hard at Addison's eyes, "Add? Do you know where you are?"

Addison's eye's flitted around the room, her brow furrowed, "Our house…" she said uncertainly, "… but…" her eyes landed on Meredith and they cleared a bit. She shook her head hard, "I'm fine Derek. I know where I am."

XXXX

Addison rested her hand on the back of her chair, she and Andrea had been filling water glasses and hadn't moved from their spots since they emptied the water jugs. They were talking about diaper rash.

Derek nudged her arm as he set his casserole dish on the table. "How's your head?" He smiled at her as he stole a green bean and mirrored her stance gripping his chair.

"Bruised. Thanks," Addison shot him a stern look but gave him small smile before turning back to Andi, "Try a different ointment I guess. Or let her crawl around without her diaper on."

"And who's going to clean up after that mess?" Andi sighed, "We haven't even sat down yet and my kids have both knocked over their milk."

Addison chuckled, she glanced down the table to the end with all the kids surrounded by Catherine and Kathleen. Everyone was standing at their places talking softly to the family around them, parents wrestling cutlery away from toddlers. All except Meredith –– she seemed lost and slightly out of place. 

Addison glanced at Derek, their eyes locking for a fraction of a second. Everyone had taken their usual seats, Addison next to Derek, leaving no place for Meredith. No one seemed to notice except Catherine and Kathleen, Kathleen was watching with amusement while Catherine cleared another spot amongst the children.

Addison inhaled deeply and grinned at Andi, masking her discomfort, "I'll go sit with the kids then, someone needs to make sure some of that milk gets into their mouths instead of just on the tablecloth." She stepped away from her old seat and moved around the table deliberately avoiding Meredith. "Hey Madeleine," she greeted scooping up the pudgy 3 year old, "Can I sit with you?" she asked as she balanced the toddler on her hip.

Her eyes met Derek's again. He winked, and she grinned, before he turned to Meredith who took her place at his side.

"Derek," Catherine said softly, "Would you say grace please," She bowed her head and everyone else followed suit.

Derek cleared his throat, "Father," he began, "Thank you for the family that you have given us. We are truly blessed. Thank you for the love that we have, that gives us the strength to get through life's difficulties. Please, Father, watch over Laura and Anna. Give their bodies strength to heal, and give their doctors the knowledge and the clarity to help them. We ask that you be with Jake's family as they struggle through this impossible time. Help Jenny. Let her know that we are here to help her. Father," Derek inhaled shakily, "We ask especially that you be with Jeremy, Ben and Anna. Help them to heal, but not to forget how much their father loves them. Watch over our family, God. Amen."

The table was silent a moment before the loud shuffle began as everyone took their seats and started dishing out the meal.

"Athy," Maddy lisped in a low whisper, "He forgot to fank God for dah food."

XXXX

"Hey," Derek padded up the stairs to the gable guest room, in his pajama's and ugly woolen socks, "What's the date?"

Addison rolled her eyes, "I don't have a concussion Derek."

"You don't know that. Humour me" he walked over to the window and peered out, "What's the … fourth letter of your middle name?"

"A."

"My birthday."

"February. 15th. Do you need a year or would you rather keep your ego inflated?"

"It's raining."

"I know," Addison gently settled a sleeping Sophie on the bed between some pillows and reclined against the headboard with a book, "And you are ruining it for me."

Derek sat in the corner rocking chair for a moment then stood again and picked up Sophie.

"Don't wake her…" Addison cringed, hands up, bracing herself for the inevitable cries.

"Hey Little One," Derek soothed as he sat on the edge of the bed, "Lean those pillows up for me Add," he leaned back against the headboard and brought his legs up to rest on the bed.

"What are you doing Derek," Addison asked gently.

"Shhhh," Derek hushed, more to Addison then the baby.

"Derek."

"You know, she's only a few months younger then Julie."

Addison nodded and put her book on the nightstand, "Turn the light off when you leave," she requested, turning on to her side. She stared out the window at the rain for a long moment –– thinking –– then drifted slowly to sleep.

XXXX

He watched her sleep.

Her back was to him, her spine curving into a lazy 'C' shape. He couldn't see, but he knew that her hand was tucked under her chin giving her a pensive look. 

He continued to twist a piece of hair between his fingers, not enough to wake her up, just enough to comfort him.

He didn't react when she rolled over and he didn't drop the piece of hair, instead he focused all his attention on it.

Her eyes drifted slowly open. She stared at him wide eyed for a moment, then squeezed her eyes tightly shut and tugged the covers up over her head, "What are you doing," she demanded sleepily.

Derek stared at the lump that was Addison for a moment, then joined her, pulling the white sheet over them so they were completely cut off from the rest of the world. "Hi."

"What are you doing?" she asked again, her voice a whisper due to his nearness.

"I don't know."

"Well, could you stop?"

Derek was silent a long moment, just staring at her confused features, "I don't know," he answered softly.

She shifted deeper into the bed, getting comfortable, "Where's the baby?"

"In her crib. What were you dreaming about?"

She smiled, "Nothing. What time is it?"

"Almost 6. Just tell me."

"What about Meredith?"

"I was down there for awhile."

"You came back?"

"Richard wouldn't like it if I brought you back brain damaged," he smiled and shrugged, "And you sleep like you're dead so I fed Sophie a couple times, walked her around the house and the back porch. Sang her a few songs."

"You did the late night feedings?"

"Yeah. It was nice," he whispered. He shifted so his bent knee barely grazed hers, "We always talked about Juliet," he chuckled, "E-T-T-E or just E-T, the biggest fight we had the first 5 years we were married was over spelling."

"It would have been pretty either way."

"She would have stomped around the house in your shoe's and you wouldn't have the heart to stop her."

"Yes, I would," they both laughed quietly, "You know I would have," she grinned, pushing him away from her.

"Are you trying to push me out of bed?"

She laughed, "Yes. Get out."

They froze as a something heavy landed on the foot of the bed.

Ever so slowly Addison peered over the top of the sheet so that just her eye's were visible.

"You two," Kathleen shook her head from where she sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed, "I'm not even going to get into how inappropriate this is. Seriously."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So. 2 more chapters. I'm currently choosing between 2 endings –– one that is like a "season finale" and one that is like a "series finale". I figure that I could probably keep this story going for awhile, I have ideas, I just don't know if I have the energy. Well I do, I just don't know if you guys can put up with Addek's swirly indecisiveness much longer.

Anyway, 2 chapters, then I'm taking… 3 weeks off either way so I can write the last exams of my undergrad. 

Eeeeeek.

Review. A lot.

\/p> 


	8. Fall Apart Again

I think that generally people will like this.

I think.

I could be wrong, it happens once a calender year.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_So what did I walk in on exactly_?" Kathleen asked in a hushed whisper.

Derek was fast asleep, sleeping baby cuddled to his chest, Addison had stretched out across the foot of the bed and Kathleen was laying upside down –– her feet dangerously close to her brothers face –– so that they could talk.

"_This morning_?" Addison whispered back, smirking at Kathleen's assumptions, "_Nothing. I had just woken up, we were talking._"

"_Do you guys often have sleepovers_?"

"_I'm engaged_," Addison held up her hand, flashing her ring, "_I'm not interested in slumber parties with my ex-husband. Who I'm friends with, by the way. He wanted to help with the baby and fell asleep up here._"

"_Right_," Kathleen smirked, then picked up Addison's hand to get a closer look at the ring, "_Who's the guy?_"

"_His name is Geoffrey_," Addison whispered, "_He's also a doctor, but he's into sport's medicine. He works with like major league sports teams and professional athletes._"

"_If only you cared about that sort of thing._"

"_I know_," Addison chuckled, "_And he has two kids –– Allison and Daisy –– that he's raised on his own. They're pretty amazing. 15 –– almost 16 –– and 7._"

"_Wow._"

"_I know. He's just perfect. He's just ––" she paused, "He's so understanding. He's this big tough guy that spends all day with huge jocks, and then he comes home and he helps Daisy make cookies, and he listens to Ali complain about her boyfriends and he'll listen to whatever baby-drama is flying through my head and he just knows whether it's going to take a back-rub or a glass of wine or just time to fix it._"

"_You love him?_"

"_Crazy about him. He pretty much keeps me sane," she grinned, "I told him I was going to fly out here to be with my ex-husband and his family and he just said to let him know what was going on and that he would pray for the family,_" she lowered her voice even more, "_He just trusts me so much. More then Derek did, you know?_"

Kathleen nodded, "_Derek was kind of possessive of you._"

"_I know. Which was fine, but I don't think he trusted me… or _us_, really. He just… assumed things about us and our marriage and left it up to me to make it real," she sighed, "I dunno. We were a mess from the beginning._"

"_What about the new girl?_"

"_Meredith, Kathleen, you know her name._"

"_Ya. What do you think about her?_"

"_What do you think about her?_"

"_I think she strokes Derek's ego and gives him a hero complex. I think that he's with her to prove a point to himself and to you and to everyone else –– that he found the love of his life in a bar one night and that it was true love and it was worth ending his marriage for. I think that she is with him because he is safe and can take care of her. I think that she sees him as a way to elevate her status as a person. I think that she is insecure and that she likes that he left his wife for her, she likes that he choose her even though she was an intern and he was the head of neurology, she likes that he has a multi-million dollar paycheck while her friends are dating guys that can barely make rent and I think that she is trying to prove to everyone that has ever heard the name Ellis Grey that she is not a screw up and that she has it all together._"

Addison was pensively silent for a moment, "_That's it?_"

"_That's my initial assessment. Of course I've never really talked to her._"

Addison nodded slowly, "_She loves him. She doesn't love his status in the medical field or that he makes a lot of money. She loves that he's kind and charming and loving. And she loves that he's stable, which, I think, for Meredith is a big deal; she's an only child and she didn't have much of a relationship with her parents. And he really stuck with her, it's what ruined our marriage, but he's always there for her. She's… high maintenance, but I think that Derek needs someone to take care of to a certain extent. And I don't mean that she's needy and that he's trying to fix her, I just think that when it comes to the people that he loves Derek wants to do everything that he can to … care for them, and Meredith has never had someone that sticks with her through the bad stuff, and she deserves to have that. And look at what they've been through. They lost their baby. They were devastated, Kat,_" Addison shrugged, "_I don't know, maybe you are right about them. But Derek grew up too fast, he worked hard to get through school and start his career while taking care of you guys. He,_" she rolled her eyes, "_ married too young. So is it really so wrong that he's revisiting his youth a bit with her? He never really got it the first time around._"

Kathleen turned her head and stared at her, "_That was a very moving speech Addison_."

"_Well, I like Meredith_."

"_Fine. Like her. Do you really want her with Derek?_"

Addison shot Kathleen a look and rolled over on to her back, "_I love this room._"

"_I forgot that you and Derek turned this into your master bedroom until I walked in to see you two canoodling. Nice change of topic by the way_."

"_We weren't canoodling. And why do you think this bathroom has the 5 star-bathroom? All me baby._"

"_Girls_," Catherine hissed from the doorway, "_Get up_. It's past 8. We have things to do. Kathleen, get back to your own house, you have guests," she motioned for them to move and turned on her heel and left.

"What about Derek?" Kathleen called after her mother, but getting no response. "Stupid boys," she righted herself in the bed and snuggled into the blankets one more time, "I guess I should go home and find breakfast for everyone," she glanced at Addison, "You guys are coming over later right? Before the funeral to help me get things set up?"

Addison nodded, "As soon as I get cleaned up I'll walk over."

"Good," Kathleen kicked the blankets off and pushed herself off the mattress, "Bed creaks."

"Didn't when Derek and I moved in," Addison smirked, "It did when we moved out."

XXXX

"Morning Meredith," Addison grabbed the orange juice from the fridge and kicked it closed with her foot, "Nice day," she observed, temporarily abandoning her juice in order to twist her wet hair into a ponytail and roll down the waist band of her sweats a little more.

"Have you seen Derek?"

"Umm," Addison hesitated, buying time by reaching for a glass, "He's upstairs with the baby. Kathleen came over early this morning and we were talking and he ended up falling asleep up there."

"He's in your room?" Meredith's tone hardened.

"Yes," Addison kept her tone even and tried to respond nonchalantly, "If you wouldn't mind, could you get him out? I'm trying to get ready for the day and he's in my way."

Meredith studied her for a moment.

Addison tensed and concentrated on putting her toast in the toaster and not behaving guiltily or in anyway suspiciously. Not, she reminded herself, that she had done anything wrong.

Meredith nodded, "I'll get him once Andi gets out of the shower. I'm watching her kids." She nodded to the toddlers sitting in a playpen eating dry cheerios.

"I'll watch them," Addison offered, staring into the toaster, "And use the upstairs shower, it's better then waiting for the one down here."

"Sure, if you want," Meredith stood and moved towards the door, "Thanks Addison," she said sincerely as she left.

"Don't thank me until you've experienced that water pressure," Addison said lightly.

Addison listened to Meredith open and close the door to the room where she and Derek were staying, and expelled a lung full of air. Her toast popped, she glanced at the babies quickly then concentrated on evenly spreading the jam.

"Good morning Addison," Catherine stiffly greeted her as she stepped into the kitchen.

"Morning," Addison replied, unsure as to whether or not she should add 'Mom', Catherine seemed not-herself.

"Did you sleep well?" Catherine asked, pouring herself a cup of tea.

"Ya," Addison nodded, carrying her juice and toast over to the table, "Very well."

"What time did Kathleen come over?" Catherine pushed.

"Around 6, maybe?" Addison replied awkwardly, "Derek was up with Sophie so we just started talking."

"In your bed?"

Addison didn't reply, just tore the crusts off her toast.

"Can I be frank with you Addison?" Catherine asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I ––" Addison paused, "Sorry," she apologized, unable to think of anything else to say.

Catherine sat down across from her, "We are just… surprised… that you would fly across the country to hold vigil with your ex-husbands family."

"Catherine, we divorced each other not the family. This is still my family too, I still love everyone in it. Derek asked me to come and I wanted to be here."

"He asked you to come?"

Addison nodded, "He paged me as soon as Kathleen called him about the accident and he called me every time you got an update on Anna or Laura. When they told you that Anna had to have the surgery on her spine Derek got me a ticket on the next flight out here."

"This isn't my place, Addison, but are you and my son … involved?"

"No!" Addison exclaimed, a bit to fast, but still surprised at the accusation, "No. We aren't… we are just… we're friends. We're still close, but we're not… close-close. Like that…" she blushed, her stomach suddenly clenching painfully.

Catherine nodded, and smiled, "I'm sorry I asked you that, Addison, it wasn't… I suppose that the rest of us aren't used to seeing you two together, but not together."

Addison smiled weakly, "I don't know if I'm completely used to it either."

XXXX

Meredith stepped out of shower, her body sagged, the stress from the last few days magically washed away by the best damn shower she had ever had. She melted into her robe and leaned against the counter willing her limbs to find the strength to tie the sash. She wiped the steam from the mirror and watched the droplets of water drip down the glass for a moment before picking up her brush and starting to comb out the tangles.

She felt whole today. She felt like herself in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. She woke up in the morning, and even though she knew it was going to be sad and hard and painful, she knew that it was something that she could handle. She finally felt like part of Derek's family, no longer the newbie, but an accepted member of the clan.

She studied her reflection in the mirror. She looked like herself again. Like herself before she had Julie and fell apart. She'd cut her hair, lightened it, highlighted it, she was tanned, lean from the yoga that had quieted the voices blaming her for everything that went wrong with her foray into parenting.

Steeling herself, but feeling confident, she loosened the sash on the robe and slipped it off her shoulders. She examined her body in the mirror. Her figure was a bit fuller, but not enough that she wasn't still painfully skinny, her breasts didn't look as full as they did when she was pregnant –– they actually seemed a little flatter and her nipples were darker; her hips seemed a little wider she had a few stretch marks that were still a little pink, her tummy was softer and the scar from her c-section was still glaringly bright.

She gently traced her finger across the scar, she had avoided looking at it or touching it since Julie had died. But now, starting today, she kinda liked it.

She smiled at her reflection and slipped her robe back on, cinching it tight. She left the bathroom, the cool hair hitting her full on the face and making her feel instantly refreshed.

Derek was still asleep on the bed when she came out. Sophie was now awake, staring wide eyed around the room.

"Hello baby girl," she cooed softly lifting the baby off Derek's chest and kissing her cheek, "Aren't you a happy girl this morning." Meredith moved over to the window, the baby thumped at her chest and stared at her trustingly. Meredith held her, swaying back and forth, ignoring the tears that stung the corner of her eyes then spilled over her cheeks.

"Meredith," Derek spoke softly placing a hand on her back and a hand on the baby's back.

"I'm okay," she assured him before he could ask, "I'm really okay."

"You sure?"

"Ya. What is it that Dr. Channing called it, _healing tears_?" she smiled, "I'm okay."

"Okay," he kissed her cheek, "I'm going to shower. You're sure…"

She nodded, "As soon as we're ready Andi and I are taking all the babies to the big house and then running some errands for Kathleen, so if I'm not here when you get out I'll see you over at Kathleen's?"

He nodded, "Okay," he bent his head and kissed her lightly on the lips, "You look beautiful," he said quietly, his eyes roaming over her holding the baby, "You're glowing."

She smiled, "Thank you."

XXXX

"Morning Mom," Derek finished pouring his coffee and kissed his mother before turning his attention to his cufflinks, "I just got off the phone with the hospital. Anna was moving her fingers this morning, if everything goes well with her surgery tomorrow she should regain complete use of the upper half of her body, so overall she's doing much better, the doctors aren't foreseeing anymore complications. And they _are_ going to release Laura this morning provided that she has a someone stay with her at the house since her leg's in a toe to hip cast and both her wrists are… how do these things work?" he held up his cufflinks in confusion.

"Let me do that Sweetie," she straightened the sleeves on his crisp white shirt and expertly did his cuffs.

"Meredith already leave?"

"She did," Catherine straightened his tie, "Addison's still upstairs though."

Derek nodded and took a drink of his coffee.

"What are you doing with her Derek?"

"She's family Ma," Derek shook his head and stepped away.

"Derek," Catherine followed him, "You know I love Addison, I do, but Derek you can't just… were you thinking about Meredith at all?"

"Meredith is fine," Derek declared, "I was thinking about Laura and Anna. I was thinking that Anna would like to see her aunt –– you know how close they are. And ya, I was thinking about Addison, this is her family, too."

"No, Derek," Catherine shook her head, "You were thinking about yourself. You wanted Addison here because she makes you feel better, you are used to having her around when things go bad, and you're scared and want something familiar."

"Mom––"

"It is who you are Derek, you don't like change you never have. And I know that you have been through a lot, but so has Meredith. You need to turn to Meredith more and stop relying on Addison, if for no other reason then to let her move on. She's getting married Derek. But if you keep turning to her, she'll keep being there. That's just who she is."

"It's not ––"

"Derek I know things are hard with Meredith right now, and you have both had a hard time loosing Julie; but you are going to get past it. You'll get married, have a family, have the things that you have always wanted –– you haven't lost everything. Derek, honey, she is the mother of your child, she will always be Julie's mother. Turn to her, you need each other."

They fell silent as Addison walked in the kitchen, dressed for the funeral but carrying her shoes and cardigan in her hand. She glanced between the two of them and took a step back.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, "I'm going to walk over to Kathleen's now. I'll just… go."

"I'll walk with you," Derek offered, ignoring the look he was getting from his mother.

"You don't have to do that," she assured him, avoiding Catherine's eye.

"No," Derek said firmly, lifting his jacket from the back of a chair," I'll walk with you."

XXXX

"She is not happy with me," Addison sighed as soon as they were out of sight of the house, hidden by the trees as they meandered down the path that led from the little house to the big house.

"No, it's me. She made it very clear that she loves you."

"She made it clear that she doesn't think I should be here," Addison revealed dejectedly, still hurt by Catherine's sentiments.

"Do you want to be here?"

She glanced at him in surprise, "Of course."

"Then you should be here. I don't care what she thinks."

"Are you sure?"

"She just doesn't understand."

"Understand what?" she asked softly, slowing her steps a bit.

"Us," he replied just as softly.

"Oh."

They walk silently for a moment –– the air is warm, heavy and still around them –– and they relax and revel in the fact that they are completely alone. His hand grazes her spine lightly and in the same motion she turns towards him, the tips of her fingers brushing his jaw in the second before their lips gently touch. It's not a kiss, their lips barely caress each other as they breath in each others hot breath through barely parted lips. She nuzzles her nose against his as his thumb traces a line down her neck; then he tilts his head and kisses her.

Their bodies softly press into each other as their kiss evolves from innocent to sweet and tender. It doesn't stop, just changes again, from one continuous kiss to soft lingering ones that melt into each other. A soft breeze teases their clothing and the ends of their hair, but they are oblivious to everything but the realization of their previously denied yearnings.

"Mmm," she sighs, tilting her lips away from him and touching them daintily with her fingertips.

They don't move away from each other, if possible they lean closer to make up for the loss of contact between their lips.

"So we're back to this," Addison whispered softly, the corners of her mouth gently turning upwards as she delicately tugged at the front of his dress shirt.

"I guess so," he agreed, one hand lightly tracing the small of her back through the silk of her camisole, the thumb of his other hand smoothing over the inside of her elbow.

"Okay," she agreed with a nod, tilting her lips back to him.

"Okay."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One more chapter!

Is everyone ready?? I know I am. I'm excited. It might take me awhile to get it up cause like… school is kicking my ass (or it will be) but I think I should be able to get it up by checks calender next Wednesday or Thursday which is like… 10 days or so, thats not to bad. You'll live.

I'm so excited.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Like hello, now there is Addek kissing. THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.

Review so I don't forget to write.


	9. This is How The Heart Breaks

So, wanna hear something funny? I also post this fic on my LJ, and as an April Fools joke I posted a fake chapter, and since most of the people that read my LJ are Addek, they were not impressed by the sudden non-Addek ending. I actually thought it was a pretty good ending. In fact, if you are sick of this fic and don't mind a MerDer/AddyGeoff ending then feel free to disregard this chapter and just go read that one (kedda.).

Anyway, this is a 'season finale' type ending. I figured that I'd get bored this summer and need something to write and I currently have no other fic ideas so I might as well just continue with this. I can still do stuff with them… maybe the characters can explore space, or get shipwrecked… time travel could be fun. I bet Addison would look cute as a cave woman. Maybe Addison could be transformed into Catherine the Great and Derek, Geoff, Mark, Alex and whoever could be her harem of lovers. Or Derek could be Henry the VIII and instead of waffling between Addison and Meredith he could just behead one and be done with it. Or behead them both and give Callie some lovin'.

Fun.

Read.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Derek paced back and forth across the bridge. His plan was to intercept Addison on her way to the locker room. They needed to talk. He stared out the window, his hands on his hips absent-mindedly adjusting his belt and straightening his shirt. He ran a hand over his hair, it had looked okay in the locker room when he was changing and cleaning up –– and he was slightly embarrassed that he believed that she would be more likely to talk to him if he was well groomed and not wearing scrubs and a lab coat, but at this point he wasn't taking any chances. He had no proof but he was pretty sure that she had secret exit's for the OR's, a decoy for her NICU and some sort of tracking system that let her know when he was in the cafeteria, locker room, nurses station, coffee shop, parking lot or anywhere else within a 5 mile radius of the hospital.

He was gripping the railing staring out over the parking lot, his knuckles turning white, when he heard a familiar staccato clicking of heels on hospital tile. He turned quickly and glanced quickly at the hallways at either end of the bridge. Nothing. Briskly he strode to the other side of the bridge and scanned the floor below. There she was. She'd thwarted his plans and was heading out the front door.

Without thinking he bound down the steps two at a time, and jogged after her. Catching up to her at her car he slipped into the passenger side just as she was reaching behind her to put her briefcase in the back.

She stared at him hard for a second then faced the front like he wasn't even there.

"You've been avoiding me."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because this," she waved a finger between them, "Is a bad idea."

"Well, let's at least talk about it."

"Why?"

"Do you even care what I have to say about this?"

"No," she replied honestly, resting her head against the head rest and slowly turning to look at him.

He turned in his seat and stared at her closely, then leaned in to kiss her.

She met him half way and was the one to flick her tongue against his lower lip.

His hand cupped her jaw, lightly running his thumb over her cheek and tucking some hair behind her ear.

She leaned in further, claiming more from the kiss, then gripped his side and pulled him closer to her side of the car before dropping her hand down to toy pensively with his belt buckle.

He groaned and dragged the knuckle of two fingers along the outline of her breast.

She pulled away, panting slightly and turned to face the front of the car again as she turned the ignition, "Buckle up."

XXXX

She drove towards downtown Seattle, frequently checking the cars around her to see if it was someone she recognized from work. She glanced over at Derek and smiled at him, reaching over and running her hand though his hair and resting her hand at the nape of his neck as she drove, He turned his head and kissed her palm.

She turned into a hotel and stopped by the front entrance.

"I'll park the car at the parking center down the block," she nodded down the street, "Page me with the room number and I'll be right back."

"Promise?" He asked, leaning in and kissing her.

She grinned and pecked him on the lips, "Promise."

XXXX

Addison let her eyes slide over the raised numbers on the unlatched door before resting her palm lightly in the middle and pressing slowly. She took in the room little by little as the door swung open: small table with a vase of flowers just inside the door, large mirror reflecting part of an abstract print, beige wallpaper with a non-discript hotel pattern, TV showing a forecast of the weather for the next week (rain), Derek's shoes in the middle of the floor, fireplace in the corner, two armchairs, a small table with more flowers in front of the window, and a big bed with way to many pillows.

She stepped into the room and smiled shyly at Derek who was sitting cross legged in the middle of the bed with the remote; crossing the room she put her purse on the table under the window and glanced at the fireplace as she slipped out of her shoes.

"Was the fireplace really necessary?" she asked with an amused smile as she knelt on the edge of the bed and crawled over to him. She pressed her hand to his cheek and kissed him slowly before lowering herself onto her side beside him.

"It was either this or the one that had the whirlpool and the sauna."

She leaned away, "That sounds like fun."

He chuckled and turned off the TV, tossing the remote off the bed, "Maybe next time."

"Next time?" she teased as she moved back onto her knees and knelt at his side, "So this is going to happen again?"

"I hope so," he grinned. He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, his arm slipping around her waist and tugging her closer.

She smiled against his lips and leaned in, one arm snaking around his neck, the other tracing around the seams of his shirt and toying with the buttons of his shirt, tugging on each one but not undoing them. He grunted impatiently against her mouth, gripping her harder and pulling her to rest in front of him, pulling away as she laughed and twisted awkwardly as she re-situated herself and straddled his lap.

They kissed again, slowly, tracing the lines of each others bodies. Addison rubbed her palms in small circles over his chest, tracing the outline of his nipples through his shirt, sighing softly as his fingertips tickled up her sides, across her stomach and along the swell of her breasts. He grinned as she inhaled sharply at his teasing and pulled away; she loosening his belt and unbuttoning his pants before attacking the buttons of his shirt impatiently before just pulling it over his head and tossing it behind her.

He wrapped his hands around her forearms as she moved to touch him and pinned them back against her sides, his lips outlining her jaw and the line of her neck, tracing the thin skin above her vocal cords with his teeth and feeling the low vibrations as she moaned. She slowly rotated her shoulders, encouraging him, and freeing her arms from his grasp so he could concentrate on getting her out of her shirt and she could deal with his socks –– sex in socks not being her idea of sexy. She clumsily felt her way down his legs, still crossed beneath her, and blindly –– her eyes were still closed and her head thrown back –– tugged his socks off his feet. She ran her nails along the arches of his feet around his ankles and back, gasping in surprise as he, in one smooth motion, pushed her blouse over her shoulders and pushed her down on to her back –– a low growl springing from the back of his throat as her hair spilled out over the foot of the bed. She laughed as his mouth went directly for her cleavage, the stubble on his chin scrapping against her skin.

"Careful," she warned, breathlessly.

He nodded again her chest then moved down to her tummy, tracing any line he could find with the tip of his tongue and his lips –– faint veins, the definition of muscles, patterns of freckles –– listening to her softly sighing as she ran her nails over his arms, scraping over his palms and kneading his shoulders and the back of his neck.

Hooking his finger under the waist of her skirt he dragged it across her stomach searching for the zipper, not finding it he dragged his finger back across to her other hip as he nibbled his way around her belly button. He pulled away and sat back on his heels –– the zipper was on the back. He glanced up at her face, she smirked and raised an eyebrow as he contemplated the situation.

"Roll over," he instructed.

She chuckled as she watched him impatiently squirm out of his pants before she drew her legs up and rolled over on to her stomach, stretching back out with a moan as his palms ran up the back of her calves, thighs ––tracing the line of her stockings, but leaving them in place –– and around to her hips before repeating the process in reverse as he pulled her skirt down her legs. She could feels his breath hot on her skin as he pressed his lips to the back of her knee, the top of her thigh, her hip, the small of her back, then the sharp _SNAP_ as he snapped the elastic of her panties hard against her bottom. She squealed, gasped and laughed –– still giggling as she raised her hips and he slid off her panties.

She closed her eyes –– smile still on her face –– and breathed deeply as his body covered hers, pressing her gently into the mattress. Parting her legs slightly she grasped the hands that were tickling and stroking up and down her sides and linking their fingers together she drew their hands up over her head so every inch of her was stretched out under every inch of him. Tilting her head far to the side she pouted and whimpered, until he nuzzled against her neck and pressed wet kisses around the shell of her ear, the lobe, down her jaw, small kisses across her cheeks before finally settling on the corner of her lips.

He untangled one of his hands and smoothed it across her back and unclasped her bra, leaning away so she could raise herself up onto her elbows and side it off. His hands slipped under her, cupping her breasts and kneading them tenderly, his face buried between her shoulders –– kissing and sucking gently.

She panted, squirming against him and pressing her hips up against his pelvis. Groaning with relief, she lifted her hips as he wrapped an arm under her and angled her hips up off the mattress. Spreading her legs apart more she buried her face in the comforter and tilted herself towards him. She sucked in a breath as he rubbed himself against her –– teasing her –– back and forth, around, up and down, doing everything except what she wanted him too.

"Derek," she hissed breathlessly, "Quit that."

He chucked and carefully pushed inside of her, just barely, before pulling back out. Her fist balled up and hit the mattress in frustration.

"Derek!"

He pushed himself in a little further, thrusting shallowly, his hand snaking down between her legs and rubbing her hard.

She arched up against him trying to pull him deeper only to be denied every time. She twisted a leg around his holding him close and tried to meet his thrusts only to find he was holding her too tightly. She buried her face in the bed, defeated, her free leg thumping against the bed in aggravation as the orgasm burning hot in her belly refusing to ignite.

He continued to tease her, ignoring her whimpers and tremors and shudders. Her skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and she was emitting high pitch cries into the sheets as she begged him just to let her come. He pulled away completely, ignoring her loud groan of protested and turned her limp frame onto her back. He rubbed the palm of his hand over her tummy for a moment then dipped his head between her legs and sucked gently on her clit until her whole body stiffened, then spasmed hard and she jerked away from him.

He slid back up the bed and kissed her jaw lightly as he pushed back inside her, resuming his shallow thrusts as her muscles clenched him tightly.

"Damnit," she panted, "Derek. That was the cruelest, meanest, cruel…" she pushed him off her completely and kept pushing until his head rested on the pillows. She crawled towards him pushing the rumpled blankets and sheets out of the way, "Mean and cruelest thing…" she dragged her nails hard down his legs leaving red marks in their wake, "That you have ever done to me," she lowered her head and bit the skin just below his navel, "And _that_ is saying a lot."

She wrapped her lips around his tip and sucked hard, alternating between sucking and lightly dragging her teeth along his length until he was writhing and squirming beneath her –– pulling on her shoulder, grasping the back of her head, begging, moaning and pleading –– but she simply pinched the skin behind his knee, hard, every time she felt him getting to close.

"See," she murmured crawling over him, "Not so fun when you're on the other end is it?"

"Sorry," he breathed heavily, pulling her against him and kissing her hard, "I'll never do it again."

She smirked, a smile spreading across her face, "You better not." Balancing herself on her knees she mimicked his earlier antics, rubbing herself against him but evading his attempts to thrust inside of her. He groaned her name loudly, pressing his head back into the pillow. She lowered herself slightly, barely taking him in, then resumed teasing him.

She dragged her nails down his chest, leaning forward and kissing along his jaw and down his neck, her eyelashes tickling the skin on the underside of his jaw. Her fingers brushed lightly over his cheeks and kissed them lightly, occasionally drifting down to his lips or over to his ear. His breathing was ragged and heavy and his fingers drug into her hips as he tried to control her movements but she simply dragged her fingertip and nails along the thin skin of his forearms and the inside of his elbow until his muscles weakened and his arms went limp.

Smirking she cupped his cheeks in her hands and lightly kissed the tip of his nose before pressing their lips together, gently, kissing him long and slow before trailing the kiss back down his neck and across his chest. She teased one nipple with her tongue before dragging her teeth over it then repeating the teasing the other one in reverse –– biting gently then soothing with her tongue.

"Addison. Christ," he moaned, "I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry."

"Mmmm," she murmured, accepting his apology, and lowered herself completely onto him, "Ohhhhhhh," she moaned.

His hips thrust up into her with abandon. Unable to decide between gripping her hips, rubbing her clit or fondling her breasts, he sat up and flipped her over onto her back and dove back into her, thrusting as hard as he could, his fingers toying with her clit and his mouth attacking her breasts.

Her fingers pressed hard into his back and neck, her body curling into his as her breath was forced from her lungs with every thrust. Her orgasm coiled tightly around her body, tighter and tighter, until suddenly it sprung apart, tearing though her veins and clamping her body violently around his. He gripped her tighter, trying to ride out her orgasm, but it was too powerful and dragged him along with her as his entire being erupted in white hot heat.

They clung to each other for a long moment, unable to find the strength to separate. Her thighs gripped his hips and she slipped her arms under his and hugged him tight.

"Get off of me," she groaned finally, kissing his collarbone and pushing against his stomach.

He moved to her side and lay facing her.

Addison's eyes drifted closed for a moment, then back open as she fought the weariness.

"Tired?" he questioned gently, his fingers tracing circles on her stomach.

She nodded, "I work long hours," she said like the thought was just occurring to her. Her hand reached up to brush some hair out of her face and fell back down to rest against his chest, "What time is it?"

Derek rolled over onto his back and checked the clock by the bed, "6:37."

"Mmmm," she rolled over and cuddled into his chest, "Guess I missed supper."

"By 6:30?"

"Geoffrey had to be on hand for a game tonight," she yawned and buried her face against his chest, "Oh well." She raked her fingers though the hair on his chest, "How are we doing this?"

"What do you mean?" he asked absently, measuring the distance between her ribs and hip with his hand.

"Do you want to do this the same as before? At the trailer? Fake book clubs and gym memberships?" Her attention drifted to the hair around his navel, "Or do you just want to page whenever we feel up too it? Nothing definite, 'cause this spontaneous hotel thing has promise. Apparently there are whirlpools and saunas."

He chuckled but his face remained serious, "Before," he chose his words carefully, "We were thinking of making some changes."

"Yeah," she agreed, tracing her way back up his sternum, "But that was a long time ago. Our… situations have changed," she leaned her body close to his, winding her leg around one of his and resting her cheek above his heart, "I'm getting married and you and Meredith –– you were starting a family…"

Derek felt as if a large weight had been dropped on his chest.

"We shouldn't even be doing this, but if we are," she continued, "Our 'relationship' should reflect the other relationships we have. You know what I mean?"

He blinked hard against the slight uneasiness he felt. He no longer really heard what she was saying, his head was swimming. Her arm against his chest felt like it weighted a literal ton.

"… It's not that I don't trust you, because I do… in a way. I just don't think we are what each other needs… and I'm not sure why we keep doing this, I just feel like if we don't I'll combust…"

"Addison," he growled gruffly, pushing her roughly off his chest, "Get off."

She stared at him in stunned silence as he struggled to sit up, "What's wrong?"

"You were just heavy," he replied, turning away from her and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, flexing his arm as he waited for the pressure on his chest to lessen.

"Derek?" she moved over, kneeling next to him, "What…" she touched his back, he had broken out into a fresh sweat. Panic flashed across her face, "Derek? Derek, what's wrong? What's happening?"

"Nothing," he groaned, "I just… my chest…and my arm… "

"Your chest?" her fingers groped for his pulse, "Your chest or your heart?" she demanded, forcing herself to stay calm.

"I don't… I'm fine."

"You're not fine," she snapped, noticing for the first time the way he was gripping his arm. She stumbled from the bed and grabbed her purse, the contents immediately spilling all over the floor. She swore and sank to her knees digging though random bits of purse junk searching for Aspirin, "Take these," she walked over on her knees and pressed the pills into his palm before pulling herself to her feet and tripping towards the mini-fridge for water, her hand trembling.

Derek meekly did as he was told, now visibly shaking, as she reached for the phone and calmly called 9-1-1.

The room was silent for a long moment after she hung up the phone, "Fuck Derek," she swore, something she never did, tears starting to pour down her cheeks.

"Addison," he ignored the overwhelming dizziness and reached for her.

She pulled away and grabbed his pants off the floor, "Damn it, Derek," she wiped the tears off her face frantically, "You drag me into bed and as soon as I want to talk you have a god damn heart attack. You are such a guy sometimes," she brushed away more tears and knelt at his feet and gently eased his legs into his pants, "Stand up," she ordered harshly but tenderly leaning towards him so he could put his weight on her, and slid the pants up to his hips and buckled them.

She took him by the arm and was about to help him back onto the bed when his arms wrapped heavily around her shoulders and hugged her tight. She hesitated a moment and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his neck, his skin was white and clammy under her fingers and he was trembling in her arms.

"Don't die," she whispered into his neck, "Promise me."

They held each other tighter for a moment, then she eased him back onto the bed, propping him up against the pillows.

Sirens rang out in the distance, quickly coming closer.

"You should get dressed," he grimaced, his eyes closing tightly against the pain.

She glanced around the room, absently pulling his dress shirt over her shoulders before sitting on the edge of the bed and running her hands over his sweaty face.

They heard the ambulance pull to a stop in front of the hotel, his eyes flickered open to look at her.

His skin was ashy, his lips now void of colour, "Call Mark," he said softly, his breathing short and ragged, "Get him to come get you and take you home, ask him to call Meredith," his breathing became shallower again, "Don't let them take me to Seattle Grace."

She nodded, fresh tears pooling in her eyes, "Don't forget," she kissed his knuckles as the manger's keycard opened the door and the paramedics bustled in, "No dying. You promised me."

She was instantly pushed aside, no longer able to touch or even see him. She instantly felt tears running down her cheeks. Pushing the fear away she began arguing with the closest paramedic, telling him what to do, how to do it and what hospital he should be going to.

"Seattle Grace is only 5 minutes from here Mam."

"I know where it _is_," she argued, "You just can't take him there. He _works_ there. _I _work there."

"Then you know that it's the best in the…"

"I know that. You think that I would be fighting this if I didn't have a good reason? His _girlfriend_ works there. Is _at_ work there _right now_. Please," she pleaded, "Just, take him to Mercy. Please, just… please," she wiped tears from her face, "Having the deal with that hospital now would probably kill him."

The paramedic glanced at Derek on the bed –– Derek's eyes were trained on Addison, always on her –– "Okay. We'll take him to Mercy."

Within minutes they had hooked Derek up to a portable heart monitor and an IV and were wheeling him out of the room without a second glance at Addison.

She stared dumbly at the door as it slowly swung shut, leaving her alone in the sudden silence. Her legs gave out slowly and she sank gradually to the floor. Her fingers reached out and retrieved her phone from her spilt purse contents, her hand shaking as she dialed.

"Hello?"

"Alex?" she choked.

Then she began to sob.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

But awwwww. She called Alex. They are so cute, I love the friendship they have.

But ya.

Review and let me know how you enjoyed this section and what (if anything) you want to see in the future.


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